2005 BUZZFEED PRESENTS: The "Are You a Meathead?" Quiz

Have you ever had people “shush” you for talk-to-texting an Instacart order during a Broadway play?

Take this simple quiz and find out. Simply check every answer that’s true about you, and give yourself the number of points next to the question.

I OWN A SHIRT WITH THIS ON THE FRONT:

(1) _ “Ten Reasons A Beer Is Better Than A Woman”
(1) _ “Get A Job!” with one skeleton giving another a blowjob
(1) _ Calvin from Calvin & Hobbes peeing
(2) _ “One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor!”
(2) _ “I’m not as think as you drunk I am”
(2) _ (in fuzzy letters) “MASTURBATION WILL TURN YOU BLIND”
(3) _ any college you did not actually attend
(3) _ any bar’s name and address
(4) _ Johnny Cash giving the finger
(4) _ John Lennon in a “NEW YORK FUCKING CITY” shirt. His shirt is on my shirt!
(20) _ That Chinese menu shirt with dish names like “Cream of Sum Yung Gai”, which you would think would be verboten in the 2020s, and yet was still on sale in NYC’s Chinatown a few years ago

MY CAR

(1) _ is an F-150
(1) _ is a Dodge Challenger
(1) _ is a Toyota Yaris (IT’S MY GIRLFRIEND’S CAR FOR DRIVING UBER, OKAY)
(2) _ is a Jeep Wrangler I have never taken off-road
(2) _ is a RAM truck that has never hauled anything heavier than groceries
(3) _ had to be customized to make its engine louder than a 747’s
(3) _ is a Cybertruck I bought for “he’s a genius/owning the libs” reasons
(4) _ is leased, but I refer to it as “my baby”
(4) _ is a $99,000 Porsche 718 Cayman that I park in the carport behind my $950/month studio apartment
(20) _ has Al Pacino as Scarface painted on the hood

MY HOUSE IS DECORATED WITH

(1) _ velvet, velvet, velvet!
(1) _ a street sign
(1) _ a traffic light
(2) _ an “If You Sprinkle When You Tinkle, Please Be Neat and Wipe the Seat” bathroom poster (add a point if it isn’t framed)
(3) _ a plaster matador lamp
(4) _ Christmas lights 365 days a year
(5) _ more than two sports-related memorabilia
(20) _ A pool table I bought in 1999 with Marlboro Miles

ON A NORMAL DAY, I WEAR

(1) _ one gold-plated chain
(2) _ a gold-plated chain, plus a diamond zirconium-crusted crucifix
(3) _ two gold-plated chains, a diamond zirconium-crusted crucifix, and a fake-diamond ring
(4) _ three or more gold-plated chains, more than one fake-diamond ring, and something brass that spells out my name
(5) _ enough junk jewelry that people think I cleaned out QVC
(20) _ my formal “go to the office” tracksuit

ON SPECIAL OCCASIONS, I WEAR

(1) _ a polyester suit
(2) _ my “formal” baseball cap that matches my sneakers
(3) _ the fancy gold-color-plated jewelry
(4) _ a tuxedo t-shirt
(5) _ a shirt
(5) _ my fancy “go to church” velvet tracksuit
(20) _ pants

THE FUNNIEST THING I EVER SAW WAS

(1) _ that farting scene in Blazing Saddles
(1) _ this doll, it’s a guy, and you squeeze this bulb and he pulls his pants down!
(1) _ Truly Tasteless Jokes XXII - that Blanche Knott, boy, she’s still got it
(2) _ my “10 Ways a Beer Is Better Than A Woman” t-shirt
(2) _ Dice!
(3) _ this guy, he called up Larry King and started saying, “Baba Booey motherfucker” over and over
(4) _ Gallagher smashing a watermelon
(5) _ YouTube compilations of people pranking their spouses they clearly hate

I HAVE HAD

(1) _ a drunken screaming match with my wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband outside of a bar at 3 in the morning
(2) _ a repo man visit me
(3) _ people “shush” me for talk-to-texting an Instacart order during a boring Broadway play
(4) _ a drunken screaming match with my wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband in the car at 3 in the morning during a routine DUI stop
(5) _ a podcast with my bros where we rate Vegas prostitutes
(20) _ a drunken screaming match with my wife/girlfriend/boyfriend/husband in court at 9 in the morning at our DUI hearing

HOW TO SCORE
Total your points on all the statements you have checked. Now go back and check the rest of the statements you were ashamed to admit to truthfully the first time around and give yourself double points for those. Now go back and check all the statements that were true, but you figured didn’t count because you had them “ironically,” and give yourself triple points. Add 100 points if you mentally added a “How to Have Sex” joke after the “HOW TO SCORE” heading.

POINTS
0 - 10 points - You are either a liar, a hippy, or a pretentious intellectual.
10 - 40 points - You have an ordinary level of meatheadedness. Congratulations! You are an American!
41 - 60 points – Congratulations on your third Sopranos tattoo.
61 - 100 points You are a Meathead extraordinaire. But you don’t need me to tell you that, you’re the one doing this quiz on your phone sitting out a ten minute break on a chest press at LA Fitness
100 points + - Time to pack up your things and move out to Staten Island, kind of a Meathead Wildlife Preserve, where you will feel safe in a habitat among your own kind.