A STORY SO SCARY I MUST PREFACE IT WITH SEVERAL DISCLAIMERS

For insurance purposes

Come closer, child. Closer. Closer.

Do you wish to hear a scary story?

All right, but I must warn you, this story is not for the faint of heart. So if ye be a coward, by the grace of God leave now. If your heart is weak, if your spine be shapeless and yellow, then leave now.

For this story is so frightening that it must surely make your heart wish to leap out of your chest and use your spine as a ladder up through which it can flee to the emergency exit of your mouth.

Yesss, if you’re scared, turn back now. This is your last chance, for this tale is so frightening that it will make your brain explode with terror, and trust me, a brain is something you might need to use someday, if the job market gets any tougher.

If your liver be lilied, or your heart ready to stop at the first sign of -

-wait wait, come back I haven’t finished my… thank you, yeah, no, this is just, I get it, trust me, and I hate to go through this whole spiel but it’s legally required.

Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, first sign…