A STORY SO SCARY I MUST PREFACE IT WITH SEVERAL DISCLAIMERS
For insurance purposes
Come closer, child. Closer. Closer.
Do you wish to hear a scary story?
All right, but I must warn you, this story is not for the faint of heart. So if ye be a coward, by the grace of God leave now. If your heart is weak, if your spine be shapeless and yellow, then leave now.
For this story is so frightening that it must surely make your heart wish to leap out of your chest and use your spine as a ladder up through which it can flee to the emergency exit of your mouth.
Yesss, if you’re scared, turn back now. This is your last chance, for this tale is so frightening that it will make your brain explode with terror, and trust me, a brain is something you might need to use someday, if the job market gets any tougher.
If your liver be lilied, or your heart ready to stop at the first sign of -
-wait wait, come back I haven’t finished my… thank you, yeah, no, this is just, I get it, trust me, and I hate to go through this whole spiel but it’s legally required.
Okay, where was I? Oh yeah, first sign of – actually, I can skip that. Let me get straight to:
And I hope those aren’t khaki trousers you’re wearing, for the story you are about to hear is so frightening it shall make your stomach evacuate its contents to safety - by any means necessary. This tale is so mind-bendingly scarifying -
No really, yeah, it’s legally required. By our insurance company.
Believe me, I wish I could skip it, but this is just boilerplate stuff, and I’m sorry but I really do have to go through it all.
Where was I? “This tale is so mind-bendingly scarifying” ah here we go:
SO MIND-BENDINGLY SCARIFYING that even a deaf man within earshot may find himself going stark raving mad from the terror.
Ah, I see you are a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps you find that you have second thoughts? I can tell by the shifting in your seat that your mind itches, burns to flee. FLEE NOW,
Wait, don’t go – no, don’t actually go, we’re almost done.
But I should warn you, if you are carrying a Bible, put it in another room now, for this is a story of such deep and lingering evil that it shall burst into flames upon the recitation of the first sentence, leaving only the Book of Revelations intact, and also Deuteronomy for some reason.
Yes it would.
I saw it happen once.
In 2007.
Yes, I did so see it. It was in St. Louis, which, incidentally, is a rather charming city if you give it a chance. I found the greatest hat shop near the Arch. Which was surprising considering the town itself is an evil gateway to Diyu. Diyu, the Chinese conception of the Underworld where if you do bad things and you were a Buddhist in your life, it’s not such a nice place.
That’s right, his Bible exploded. Well, it wasn’t my fault that the guy didn’t listen, it’s why I’m going through this whole spiel right now. Trust me, dude, you don’t want to challenge me on this, I have some photos of the guy on my phone that will make your breakfast reappear.
So if your fear controls you, the way a mother controls her child, leave now.
If you’re unable to handle the cold dread that must creep across the skin at the mere mention of a man’s guts being ripped from his stomach, leave now.
For this tale is the dirty matted matter from which the creatures of your nightmares are knit. So if you think that you cannot handle a glimpse into the tattered remnants of your own soul, then LEAVE NOW.
No - don’t leave. Okay, fine, LEAVE THEN. IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE THE…
Really, you’re going to go after I went through all that.
Coward.
If you survived this story with your spine still firmly inside your body, congratulations.
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