About the Author
The author is a 36 year-old male who has been described as "the quintessential American man of letters" by the FBI Mail Fraud Division, and "an American man of numbers" by the head of the IRS Tax Fraud Department. By the time he was 20 years old, his collected Letters to Ann Landers had attracted the attention of critics all over the country. The Lansing, MI, Pennysaver gave him a front page profile when he wrote "the most poetic 'Car for Sale' ad in this publication's history."
His poetry was originally put into a limited edition collection by famous editor Judith Regan and placed at the bottom of her parrot cage. That cage has recently fetched eighty-three dollars on eBay.
The author first achieved international prominence for suing himself over his own unauthorized autobiography, a publicity stunt that turned ugly when he ended up divorcing himself in 1997. The author has worked as a file clerk, a security guard, and a chicken sexer if you believe the rumors - which we do.
The author's brow does not protrude; he is able to walk upright, is intelligent, and able to use his hands to manipulate primitive tools. He may be modern science's long-awaited link between homo sapien and the more primitive Cro-Magnon man. He can talk to ducks, although they do not understand what he's saying.
He has recently completed an album titled For Lovers Only, which has sold poorly mostly due to his insistence that all customers must provide photographic proof that they are lovers before being allowed to purchase the album. He named his dog Skippy after his grandfather. His grandfather had named his "Fido," then the author thought it would be funny to rename the dog and confuse the hell out of it. His hobbies include going into pet stores and teaching parrots to swear.
He is the lead singer for Weird Science, the Oingo Boingo Tribute Band. He won a National Book Award for his checkbook, which the New York Times called a "masterpiece of twisty-turny literary memoir," and NBC-TV's Joel Siegel called "a roller-coaster thrill ride for the summer." It was an Oprah's Book Club selection. It was then turned into Overdrawn, a hit movie from Warner Brothers now on DVD.
Having lost a bet with his co-writers, he is the only screenwriter who is credited for the animated newspaper comic-to-TV special adaptation, What’s Eating Dilbert Grape? He also wrote the book for the Broadway musical Stephen King & I, which closed halfway through its run. Not its run onstage, its Playbill printing run.
He was discovered by Norman Mailer in 1989. Norman Mailer's wife swore that was the only time she'd slept with the author. The author spun such a fantastic story about what he was doing in the scuba gear, that Mailer turned it into a short story titled But I Was Only Checking a Leak in the Tub.
The author lives in Manhattan, New York, with his wife and their goldfish. He maintains a summer home in Cape Cod, ME, with his other wife and their two kids. He keeps a weekend apartment with his mistress, and a part-time Tallahassee shack with an unidentified man who answers to the name "Bruno."
Winters he lives under the bench in the Visitor's bullpen at Shea Stadium. For two weeks in the fall, he owns part-share in the Congo exhibit at the Bronx Zoo, which he claims to have picked up for peanuts. "Peanuts" being the name he gave the Filipino orphan boy he has adopted.
His first novel is expected "some time next Spring."
An earlier version of this piece was published in Jest magazine.
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