Choosing My Religion
A 2001 piece dusted off for Finals Week
A Note from the Author
As this is Finals Week and I’d like to not fail my last batch of classes, there will be no Substack entry on Thursday.
The following essay is from late 2001. I’ve cut some things that today – ALMOST A QUARTER CENTURY LATER – might be offensive to more sensitive modern readers.
So it goes. I’ve expanded on a few things to make the jokes land cleaner. And I deleted an entry about Scientology because, frankly, I can’t afford a lawyer.
Revisiting this one was fun. You don’t need any further evidence that I was listening to a lot of George Carlin in my early 20s. It’s like opening a time capsule and finding a definitive list of everything that I used to consider ironic and cutting edge.
Introduction
As one who spends most of his time in this glamorous world of the business we call “show,” I find it easy to forget that religion is a serious topic. Many in showbiz don’t publicly adhere to any one particular faith. And while the anti-heavy metal crowd will credit this to Satan and his many works—of which they seem to be fans, following his every demonic move—I ascribe this to ego.
To put it simply, there’s no room in a performer’s world for any power greater than themselves.
I’d like to preface this essay, too, with the acknowledgment that a deep abiding faith is no laughing matter. Thusly, I promise that, out of respect to the faithful, none of the following jokes will be funny.
To anyone raised in a faith who believes sincerely, the world contains exactly two kinds of people:
1. The completely reasonable practitioners of the religion *I* was raised in that makes total sense.
2. The ranting lunatics in those *other* religions, each of which is a collection of wacky superstitious nonsense.
Most rational human beings, whether raised as a snake-handler or atheist, will at some point have a crisis of faith. And this person will inevitably ask him or herself: “What if those religious nuts I grew up hating are right, and I’m going to end up in hell? Am I, in effect, partying with the right crowd? Or, when I die, will I try to get into the Great VIP Room in the Sky only to be told by an angelic bouncer that I’m ‘not on the list’?”
Don’t despair, though, for today I bring you good news: It’s not too late! You can still change faiths out of a deep and abiding belief in making a cynical last-minute bid to get out of going to hell.
But which one is the right fit for you? Let’s do some comparison-shopping:
CHRISTIANITY
A true smorgasbord of religious possibilities. The basic tenet of Christian belief is that God sent His only son down to Earth where he gave a message of peace and love to all mankind. Naturally, this is a point of great contention and the cause of much fighting among the different sects of people who all believe the same thing:
Catholicism: “Men in robes, not dresses.”
If you like that God has a lot of strict rules, but aren’t sure going to Hell is something you want to do for breaking them, the Catholic Church has some great news. There are half a dozen Get Out of Jail free cards for sin, ranging from confessing your sins to a priest to giving a five figure donation to the church.
Protestantism: “God is Love, but maybe wants me to be racist.”
For those who feel that traditional Catholicism isn’t quite oppressive enough. Due to a branding deal with God, membership with the Protestants comes with preapproval to join 80% of the social clubs, golf clubs, and tennis clubs in the United States. Because He also feels uncomfortable around the wrong people - you know what I mean no need to say it out loud.
Baptists: “A little song, a little dance, a little Holy Spirit down your pants.”
For people who hate everyone employed in Hollywood but want a little Bob Fosse in their sermons. If you want to find a Baptist church, go to any small city or town in the United States and throw a stone. You’ll break a window in one after it skips off the roofs of two others. A fun component of being a Baptist, too, is finding out that your pastor did time in the same state prison as your cousin.
Big bonus: The Bible is so big, and filled with so many contradictory things, that it’s possible to believe one thing while behaving completely differently and still obey Holy Writ.
JUDAISM
More than a religion, Judaism is a lifestyle. It has many special dietary rules and arcane rituals dictating that, for instance, you can’t eat cheeseburgers. And if you do you have to bury your dishware and silverware in dirt.
The good news, though, is that many Jews only follow those rules when they feel like it. That’s called being a “Reformed Jew.” They aren’t Jewish so much as Jew-ish. The bad news is that if you’re a guy, they will want a “piece of you.”
If you want to be Jewish but don’t enjoy personal freedom want to feel connected to thousands of years of religious tradition, there’s all kinds of sects that will allow you to dress and act just like you live in a walled-off Polish Shtetl in the 1800s.
Big bonus: Being Jewish allows for a feeling of security in your place in the world. Sure, many members of the global right hate you, but on the other hand many members of the global left also hate you.
ISLAM
Reading the Quran will reveal something simultaneously hilarious and depressing about the human condition:
It’s very closely the same exact set of stories as you’ll find in the Old and New Testament, but adding just one more story about an additional Holy Prophet. Other than that last wrinkle, they pretty much have the same set of beliefs as the people who hate them the most. Surprise!
Big bonus: If you’re a Muslim in America, you don’t have to worry about bringing a camera to take pictures of family events; the FBI’s got you covered.
BUDDHISM
In a large chunk of the world, this is just what you’re brought up believing. But in the United States? This is the cool “alternative” religion. Remember, though, that this means that you are no different than any college sophomoron with a Tibetan tattoo. Hell, odds are good you are a college sophomoron with a Tibetan tattoo.
However, you should be warned that saffron robes are good for “Autumns,” but not for “Winters” or “Springs.”
And sure it’s a pain in the ass to commit yourself to a worldview based on balance in all things, or to pick up a daily practice that takes you on the Noble Eightfold path. (Practicing right action and right mindfulness? Not if you want a promotion at work you don’t!)
But if you do want a religion that can impress an attractive 19 year-old college student at a bar or party, just memorize the best quotes from Thicht Nhất Hạnh’s No Mud No Lotus.
Big bonus: When it comes to picking up 19 year-old college students, it’s more effective than learning how to fold a paper napkin into the shape of a rose.
WICCA
You’ve already lost your mind, why not your circle of friends too? Warning: The only people who want to hear about your Wiccan practice are other Wiccans. It’s based on the worship of Earth and Nature; this is another way of saying, “prepare to be dirty.” Its followers are mostly female, so if you’re a dude who can nod convincingly while sitting cross-legged, you’re in like Flynn.
Big bonus: Learn Earth magic and wreak havoc on those snotty cheerleaders from high school who all laughed at you. Sadly, the rest of us are now laughing at you, too.
ATHEISM AND AGNOSTICISM
Atheism is the declaration that there is no God. Agnosticism adds the caveat that if there turns out to be a God, you believed in Him the whole time.
For people who don’t believe in anything, atheists sure spend a lot of time talking about it. Be warned, Atheists are even preachier than hard-core born-agains. And for a group of people who believe in a Cosmic Nothing, agnostics and atheists are offended by a lot.
Big bonus: No beliefs equals no rituals, holidays, or ancient laws to follow. And on Thanksgiving the family treads carefully around you when trying to figure out what they can safely talk to each other about.
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More new writing (and fewer Carlin-era artifacts) coming soon.