Constitutional Rights Americans Believe They Have
or: The Bill of Wrongs
Every American is entitled to host at least one podcast which is watched by less people than there are on screen.
The right to pay no more than ten dollars a month to stream every song, movie, or TV show ever recorded, while also complaining that only nepo babies can afford to be artists.
The right to get “creative” on dating apps about unimportant details, like age, height, or marital status.
The right to go first through a four-way intersection based on a complex personal scoring system that weighs arrival time, vehicle size, eye contact made, and whether you're having a bad week.
The right to park their shopping cart in front of the produce section blocking all other shoppers from getting what they need while they compare different red bell peppers.
The right to watch videos at full volume on one’s phone in any kind of theater; movie theater, Broadway theater, operating theater.
The right to use a Starbucks bathroom as a WeWork location, spending hours writing emails, holding Zoom meetings, or composing an opera.
The right to expect everyone to speak English whether in a San Leandro taqueria or rural Japan.
The right to use TikTok to self-diagnose serious disorders like ADHD, OCD, narcisissim, or autism — conditions that, conveniently, explain everything except why you're like this.
The right to ask to escalate to a manager, then corporate, then the Senate, then the U.N., until you find someone with the authority to say “Yes” to your completely insane and unreasonable request.
The right to insist every worker be paid a fair wage except the one delivering your food.
The right to be famous. Just be famous. Exist in a state of fame while doing as little as possible for it.
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