Donald Trump as the Mayor from Jaws
PLUS A BONUS: "All That Jaws"
INT. COUNCIL CHAMBER – DAY
A CROWD OF TOWNSPEOPLE throng in the large room. QUINT, a rough old fisherman, stands in the back, watching. Next to him is a large blackboard with a drawing of a shark on it. POLICE CHIEF BRODY is leading the meeting with COUNCILMAN DENHERDER.
BRODY
Yesterday, our beach was hit by a shark attack. Councilman Denherder and I called this emergency meeting with the Mayor.
DONALD TRUMP enters, walking briskly to the center council table.
DONALD TRUMP
You can all relax, Mayor Trump is here. Chief Brody, Councilman, nameless townspeople. First, I want to assure you all that there are no sharks in the water. That’s total Fake News.
TOWNSPERSON #1
It ate the Kintner boy yesterday!
DONALD TRUMP
There’s no proof that the Kintner boy was eaten by a shark.
TOWNSPERSON #2
We all stood on the beach and watched him get eaten.
BRODY
That’s why I’ve decided to close the beaches for a short time.
TOWNSPERSON #3
But my business depends on the beach being open! All of ours’ do.
DONALD TRUMP
And we’re also shutting down the police department.
BRODY
I didn’t agree to that!
DONALD TRUMP
Don’t worry. We’re going to move that funding to immigration enforcement. No Mexicans will be allowed in through the Atlantic Ocean!
DENHERDER
Sir, that doesn’t make any sense.
DONALD TRUMP
What doesn’t make sense is paying police to work on land when the alleged shark, which doesn’t exist, is committing its crimes in the water, which isn’t happening. Meanwhile, left-wing terrorists attacked my swimming pool. The town paid thousands of dollars to have sand put in at the bottom so I can feel like I’m at the beach.
BRODY
Sir, we investigated -
DONALD TRUMP
Antifa put seaweed in my pool and the Sheriff’s department did nothing!
BRODY
We’re talking about the shark! We agreed to put on extra summer deputies. I called in an expert from the Marine Science Institute on the mainland.
DONALD TRUMP
And I canceled him. I already have the best science expert right here.
Trump takes a remote control off the table and turns on a TV on the wall. It’s set to the Weather Channel, where a WEATHERMAN is giving a report.
WEATHERMAN
As you can see, there’s a storm coming in off the northeast.
DONALD TRUMP
Oh, Magic Science Wizard who lives in the wall, tell the losers and haters that sharks are Fake News.
Denherder takes the remote, turns the TV off.
TOWNSPERSON #1
Mr. Mayor, one boy died already. All of our children are at risk.
DONALD TRUMP
So you want to feed more kids to the shark, and then save money when we shut down the schools. You heard her, people, round up your kids.
DENHERDER
No. That’s the exact opposite of what she’s saying.
QUINT runs his fingernails - SCREEEEECH! - over the blackboard. All turn to look at him:
QUINT
Name’s Quint. You all know me.
DONALD TRUMP
You all know me, too. My name’s written in big gold letters on my house so I don’t forget.
QUINT
You know how I earn a living. I’ll catch this shark for ya, but it ain’t gonna be cheap.
BRODY
Mr. Quint, thank you, but the town council isn’t the place for the rantings of an angry old drunk.
DONALD TRUMP
He’s right. We’ll have to put you on the Supreme Court.
QUINT
Angry old drunk or no, hunting a Great White ain’t like going down to the local pond and catching bluegills and tommycots. Shark like that will swallow you whole. Bad fish. I’ll catch him, and kill him, for ten thousand.
TOWNSPERSON #2
Mr. Mayor, either this old drunk kills the shark or we kill you.
Townspeople shout agreement.
DONALD TRUMP
Great news. I have negotiated the best deal with Mr. Quint to catch and kill the so-called fake news shark for ten thousand dollars. And then I can throw myself a big state fair!
DENHERDER
We don’t have that much money.
DONALD TRUMP
And we’ll have big strong men wrestling and a big arch and Kid Rock! A hundred thousand people are already there!
BRODY
Come on, people. We’ll hunt this shark ourselves.
All exit, leaving Trump alone. A SHARK pokes its head in.
DONALD TRUMP
There you are! I’ve just appointed you Secretary of People Not Getting Eaten.
BLACKOUT
Hit the like button so the algo knows you were here.
ALL THAT JAWS
I should be working on my screenplay ha ha.
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