ESPN: Date Night Part 2
A script I'd love to film if you have $15k lying around
A few weeks ago I participated in a show at the Upright Citizens’ Brigade Theater called sketch cram. While you can read (and watch!) the sketch I pitched that they ended up accepting, below is a draft of a sketch I wrote that they passed on. I wasn’t surprised. In the format of the show, with each sketch not going over four pages by the time the sketch got going it was over. I imagine it as a Key & Peele type runner. With that in mind, with how long the sketch runs, I felt comfortable splitting it in two. Here’s part 2:
Charlene immediately pulls out her phone.
CHUCK
And with a pause in play, Charlene's taking advantage of the time out to do some texting. For more, here’s our on-field reporter Ramona Williams.
RAMONA appears behind Charlene.
RAMONA
Thanks, Chuck. From what I can see of her texts from here, Charlene’s not having a great time. Her friend’s calling in a fake family emergency in ten—this could be a full extraction.
JEFF
Classic Alabama Firewall. We haven’t seen it deployed since Amanda Richards in the 2008 Seoul Korea Summer of Seoul Games—a textbook maneuver.
CHUCK
And we’re going to throw to Floyd Rogerson in the men’s room.
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INT. MEN’S ROOM
FLOYD is standing with a microphone facing camera.
RED (50s, overweight, mustache, wearing a headset) is screaming, we don’t see Dave.
FLOYD
I’m here in the men’s room were legendary dating coach Red Anders is delivering a halftime speech.
At the booth:
CHUCK
Red Anders, most famous for coaching Brad Pitt to victory in 1998.
In the men’s room.
FLOYD
It certainly seems like after this season he’s going to be ready for retirement, although rumors are he’s been offered a hefty salary next year to work his magic in the minors.
CHUCK
Which, again, is not what it sounds like.
RED
You think Bono would’ve told that story before breadsticks? You don’t know pain. I was married three times.
Dave walks out of a stall with white powder on his nose, sniffling.
FLOYD
And it looks like Dave’s refreshed himself with what we in the business call “powdered Gatorade”.
DAVE
I’m ready to get back in, coach.
RED
Goddamn right. Remember, when you’re out there I want you to bring the game to her. She won’t know what hit her. But don’t hit her!
FLOYD
And with halftime over I’ll hand it back to you, Chuck.
Back to the booth as they cut to cafe. Dave reenters and sits.
CHUCK
Thanks Floyd. Dave has returned to the emotional octagon, which means the second half has begun.
Jacques enters.
JEFF
And here comes Jacques Pepard. Bad timing for Dave.
JACQUES
Have you had time to look at the menu?
CHUCK
This should be interesting. Dave failed high school French four times.
DAVE
Just bring whatever you’d eat here.
JEFF
What a play!
JACQUES
That would be very expensive.
DAVE
That’s fine.
JEFF
Dave is driving back the defense using Jacques own strength against him.
JACQUES
Very good.
CHUCK
We’re getting glimpses of the form Dave showed in his 20s. He could be prepping for a comeback.
Jacques exits. Dave takes Charlene’s hand.
DAVE
Do you play piano? You have the fingers of a concert pianist.
CHUCK
And he’s gotten hold of her hand. Let’s see that again in slow motion.
Dave does the above in slow motion.
JEFF
A risky move but it’s working.
CHARLENE
After dinner, maybe you can come back to my place to meet my cat.
CHUCK
He could go all. The. Way.
DAVE
I don’t like cats.
She pulls her hand away.
CHUCK
Ouch! Fumbled at the five yard line.
Jacques appears.
JACQUES
Excuse me, I hope I’m not interrupting –
CHUCK
And what’s this?
JACQUES
But I could not help overhearing that you like cats. As it happens, there is a cat cafe three blocks from here.
CHUCK
And it looks like Jacques Pepard is picking up the fumble –
CHARLENE
I’ve never heard of it.
JACQUES
Those of us who enjoy there company have a relaxing coffee there.
DAVE
Speaking of our food-
CHUCK
It looks like he’s trying to recover -
JACQUES
I heard about it during my shift volunteering at the shelter.
CHUCK
But defense is not letting him.
CHARLENE
I’d love to, can you give me the address?
JACQUES
I can do one better. I have one more check to drop off and then my shift is over, if you’d like me to show you...
CHARLENE
I’d love that.
JACQUES
But of course –
(turns to Dave, pulls a check out of his jacket)
For you sir.
(to Charlene)
I shall return en un moment.
JEFF
Pepard volunteers at the shelter, knows the best cat cafés, and pronounces “croissant” with a nasal R.
CHUCK
And Dave? He’s just been traded to the friend zone. What a date here at La Maison des Tartes. When we return from the break, we’ll look at some highlights from Senior Speed Dating here on ESPN Date Night.
FIN