ESPN: Date Night Part 1

A script I'd love to film if you have $15k lying around

A few weeks ago I participated in a show at the Upright Citizens’ Brigade Theater called sketch cram. While you can read (and watch!) the sketch I pitched that they ended up accepting, below is a draft of a sketch I wrote that they passed on. I wasn’t surprised. In the format of the show, with each sketch not going over four pages by the time the sketch got going it was over. I imagine it as a Key & Peele type runner. With that in mind, with how long the sketch runs, I felt comfortable splitting it in two. Here’s part 1:

INT. FRENCH CAFE - EVENING
A small cafe table with typical American French decor – La Moulin Rouge poster, a Le Chat Noir poster, checkered tablecloths with candles. DAVE (20s) is waiting at a table.

CHARLENE (20s) enters and Dave stands.

DAVE
Charlene? Dave. So nice to meet you.

PULL OUT TO REVEAL:

INT. ESPN BROADCAST BOOTH – CONTINUOUS
We see that this scene is playing out on a giant LED wall behind: A broadcast booth with CHUCK and JEFF, two sports commentators in suits. As they talk, Dave and Charlene mime talking behind them as they sit.

CHUCK
Welcome to ESPN Date Night on ESPN2. I’m Chuck Jeffries.

JEFF
And I’m Jeff Charleston.

GRAPHICS: An ESPN DATE NIGHT logo SWOOSHES across the screen.

CHUCK
We’re live from La Maison des Tartes, where Dave Rogers and Charlene O’Hara’s first date is just getting underway.

JEFF
Dave made a bold choice with La Maison des Tartes considering he probably can’t pronounce it. Should be an interesting night of dating.

Over the course of this sketch, we cut back and forth between locations. When Jeff and Chuck comment, it’s on a screen-within-screen as the action continues.

DAVE
How long have you lived in LA?

CHUCK
And it looks like Dave is taking the offense initiating the first round of small talk.

CHARLENE
I’m from here. It said that in my Hinge profile.

CHUCK
Rejected! Looks like another rough start for the Georgetown alum. What do Dave’s stats look like, Jeff?

Behind Jeff: Dave’s dating stats appear under a headshot, formatted like a baseball card.

JEFF
Dave’s been struggling this season, going 0 for 7 in his last seven dates. A champion in the College League, his numbers have declined steadily since he hit his 30s, so he really needs to pull out a win here or he risks being sent down to the minors.

CHUCK
Which, as we remind our audience every week, is not what it sounds like.

In the cafe, JACQUES, French waiter, approaches the table.

CHUCK
And here comes the defense. Veteran French waiter Jacques Pepard with an unparalleled record for career date upsets.

DAVE
Can we get some water?

JACQUES
Of course. Will that be sparkling which is seventeen dollars a bottle, or tap water which is free and maybe from the bathroom?

DAVE
Sparkling is good.

JACQUES
Someone will be by with the wine list. Unless you can’t afford...?

JEFF
That’s classic Pepard, what a dick.

CHARLENE
In college I studied abroad in Paris.

CHUCK
And Charlene’s off and running with one of her stories.

JEFF
Dave better buckle up — once she starts, there's no stopping her.

CHARLENE
I know, ugh, Paris. Three months of wine, croissants, and falling in love under bridges. So overrated.

CHUCK
And she’s deploying the old joking-about-bragging-to-disguise-the-fact-that-she’s-bragging preemptive defense.

JEFF
Let’s take a look at the X’s and O’s.

As Jeff speaks, he draws two O’s on the screen.

JEFF
As we can see, this is our field of play. And this is Jacques on defense...

Jeff draws an X under and between the two O’s.

JEFF
So this is the path Dave’s going to have to take to evade a twenty-minute story about the time she saw the Mona Lisa.

He draws a giant upside down U under the small one, and it forms a big frowny face over Dave’s face.

DAVE
That reminds me of my summer volunteering with orphans in Brazil.

CHUCK
And Dave intercepts the conversation—he’s running with it!

DAVE
When U2 came to town, I had to take the kids. But how do you get sixty tickets day-of?

JEFF
A bold move—deploying the orphan story so early in the date. When it comes to anecdotes that make him look good, Jeff’s bench is pretty shallow.

CHUCK
Not to mention he ditched them for a trip to Machu Picchu a day later.

DAVE
I’ll be right back, I have to find the mens room.

CHARLENE
I’ll wait.

Dave exits.

illustrations ny Ink Floyd

What’s worst date you’ve ever been on? Answer in the comments.