EXCERPTS FROM AN AUDIT CONDUCTED ON THE FACTORY FLOOR OF SANTA CLAUS MAGIC WORKSHOP LLC PRIOR TO AN ACQUISITION BID BY AMAZON
Confidential and Redacted
OVERVIEW:
Factory belongs to Mr. Claus through a shell corporation, Santa’s Magic Workshop LLC, that seems to be based out of the Cayman Islands.
Unclear why a business built around manufacturing and giving away toys for free should need a tax shelter. Could be a red flag.
·When asked about plant security, Mr. Claus responded, “Uncle Vladimir watches out for me.”
When auditor Dave attempted to ask a follow-up question, Mr. Claus suddenly announced Dave’s son’s full name, where he goes to school, who his best friend is, and then “remembered” that he had just been placed on the “Nice List.”
INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY CONCERNS
Mr. Claus’ employees were observed manufacturing items bearing brand names of notoriously litigious companies including Marvel, Disney, and Prada.
This auditor watched an elf assemble a full Breville® Espresso machine, complete with box, packaging, and manufacturer’s warranty.
Questions about legal culpability were answered with a wink, a tap of his nose, and the phrase “That’s Santa’s Magic”.
When asked what the nose-tapping and phrase “Santa’s Magic” signified, Mr. Claus responded, “It means it snows year ‘round at the North Pole,” and let loose another booming laugh.
EMPLOYEE SAFETY:
Santa’s Workshop has an interesting approach to employee safety, which is to say none. Noted violations include: Lack of emergency exits, inadequate fire suppression system, and failure to conduct regular safety drills to keep employees aware of exit routes and procedures.
Santa’s employees, all a uniform three feet high, work all day with power tools, including drills, acetylene torches, and bandsaws that are bigger than they are.
Elves are given no special gear or protective garments beyond their pointed green caps, green tunics and tights, and green slippers with bells at the tip.
Employees’ workstations are long wooden tables, and they are seated on non-ergonomic workbenches which don’t have backs. This could lead to long-term disability issues.
During the audit, the following incident was observed:
An employee was seen tending to a hundred-gallon vat of boiling chocolate fudge, using only a ten-foot wooden spoon.
There were no guardrails around the vat.
Nor was the employee wearing any protective gear beyond his uniform.
At one point, the employee slipped into the vat and vanished in what could only be described as a “giant puff of powdered sugar.”
When questioned, Mr. Claus grabbed the closest elf by the scruff of the neck, held him at eye level, and said, “Here, he’s fine.”
When asked where the elves come from, Mr. Claus turned pale, looked this auditor in the eye for the only time during the inspection, and said, “Hey man, trust me, don’t ask about the elves.”
SANTA’S DELIVERY SERVICE
As requested, we paid extra attention to this as there was interest expressed to me in the logistics of delivering millions of presents over the course of twelve hours.
Santa’s sleigh, as expected, is powered by eight semi-feral reindeer.
When auditor Dave attempted to inspect the animals, he was bitten hard upon the forearm.
This revealed an interesting red flag for Santa’s Workshop: the North Pole is not located near any major or minor hospitals, urgent care clinics, or doctors’ offices.
·An inspection of Mr. Claus’ sleigh revealed the following safety violations:
A lack of GPS, radar, navigational instruments, or radio for communication.
No flotation devices, overhead oxygen masks, or emergency exits.
No running lights to warn oncoming aircraft in poor weather conditions.
Indeed, the only light on the entire craft emits from a single red lightbulb that seems to have been crudely bolted to the lead reindeer’s nose.
The above are a fantastic cost-cutting move and indicate Santa thinks seriously about long-term growth.
Constant reindeer droppings are an unsurprising issue. However, they cannot be said to be random, as the reindeer seemed to have used Dave as target practice.
Related: Attached are Dave’s dry cleaning bills.
The majority of the sleigh is taken up by an open-air cargo hold in the back.
This hold contains a giant open bag, which was described to us as “Santa’s Magic Sack”. Mr. Claus nearly laughed himself sick after telling us that.
It is filled to overflowing with a seemingly limitless amount of heavy, boxed presents.
These presents were observed falling out of the sack behind Mr. Claus as he recklessly piloted his flying sleigh at top speeds, sending these heavy boxes plummeting.
Happily, this demonstration happened at the North Pole where the only victims of falling game systems and espresso machines were the occasional elf taking a cigarette break.
Santa’s laughter was truly chilling.
RECOMMENDATION: A definite and enthusiastic “Yes.” Plant management displays a depraved indifference to human life in the name of keeping the business operating at maximum efficiency, and so will fit right in with many of our overseas factory partners.
Further documentation is available upon request.
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