Feng Shui for Cats
The optimal position is on the human's laptop.
A note about this piece. I’ve been writing humor to submit to different publications, and I came up with this headline, “Feng Shui for Cats”, during a brainstorming session. I said to myself, “Aha! Cat humor! Exactly the kind of thing people on the Internet love to publish and read!”
I was so excited, I wrote this draft immediately. A couple of days later, it occurred to me to actually Google “Feng Shui for Cats” on the off-chance that maybe someone else might have thought of it first and published it.
Turns out, a lot of other people had thought of it. There are multiple books, humor pieces, and serious articles with the title “Feng Shui for Cats”. In hindsight, this was so incredibly obvious that I was most depressed it hadn’t occurred to me to check.
That being said, I was actually happy with how this first draft turned out, and decided to share it regardless. So enjoy this pretty good souvenir from a pretty bad day:
The front door, the mouth of qi
The front door is essential to allowing the flow of energy into your home. It must be kept clear of obstructions at all times. Best, then, to request that the human open the front door, and then keep it open. This can be done by standing in the doorway and first walking outside, then turning and walking inside, then walking outside, and continuing this ambulatory ouroboros for as long as the human can possibly stand there with the hand on the doorknob. The colder it is outside, the crisper and cleaner the air coming inside, the more easily the energy can flow through.
Activate energy flow through sudden, high-speed movement
When energy becomes stagnant, it must be moved decisively. This is why you occasionally sprint through the house without warning, launching yourself off furniture and walls. These bursts of motion, often performed late at night, redistribute chi evenly across all rooms. If humans appear alarmed, it means the energy was especially blocked.
Guard transitional spaces to control the flow of chi
Staircases are powerful energy channels and should never be left unmonitored, especially at night. Stretching your entire body across the top step allows you to regulate movement between levels. Remain still until someone approaches. If they yell, jump back, or roll down the stairs, the balance has been restored.
Decluttering
Stagnant energy can be cleared from a space by removing physical clutter to create harmony, promote positive flow, and make space for new opportunities. Thus, it is important to patrol shelves, mantles, tables, and other horizontal spaces to remove objects over the side with your front paw or tail. Particular attention must be paid to keeping the space clear of family heirlooms and objects made of glass or porcelain.
The Commanding Position
One of the basic principles of feng shui is that the most powerful spot in the room is furthest from the door, but still in full view of it. This allows you to see who enters the room, and whether they hold a carrier to bring you to the vet. The second-best command position is always wherever the dog is already sleeping.
A note: The absolute most optimal position in any room is on top of the keyboard of whatever laptop the human is trying to use. This provides a view of not only the human, but also a measure of control over the work they are doing, and blocks the bad energy being brought into the room by the little squares full of annoyed people inside the laptop screen. If the human in your home begins yelling, this is simply their process of clearing their own negative energy and must be ignored.
THE FIVE ELEMENTS
All things in the home are governed by five elemental forces, which the cat must monitor continuously.
Water — Flow, Mystery, and the Shower
Water governs intuition and movement, and is incredibly powerful. This is why the human must be accompanied in the bathroom at all times. Should the human immerse themselves in water, they must be observed at all times, never taking your eyes off them.
Fire - Energy, Excitement, and Transformation
It is important to remember that this energy can grow stagnant at night when the human is lying still asleep. This is when one must reignite the flame by running across their bed at top speed, scream as one pretends to kill a dishrag, or simply nudge the human awake for food.
Earth - Grounding and Security
The absolute most grounded and secure place to rest is directly on top of the sleeping human, with your entire body weight pressing on their abdomen, chest, or a major organ such as the liver or kidneys (in the case of stomach sleepers). Should the human awake, attempt to rise, or remove you, this is the time to double down on the security and really ground yourself in.
Metal - Clarity, Focus, Sharpness
Nothing brings clarity and focus to the energies of the room than entering, stretching, and nonchalantly clawing the rug, the chair, the curtains, anything soft. It is important to NEVER use a substitute such as a scratching post, as it is only when the humans begin shouting that you’ll know the energies in the room have been activated.
Wood - Growth, Renewal, and Life Force
Best represented by vertical shapes, the colors green and blue, and by plants, it is important to encourage the energy of the wood by encouraging plants to continue to strive to grow. This can be achieved by eating their leaves, stems, even roots, so as to encourage them to grow more. Larger plants may be utilized by rearranging their verticality, bringing clay pots down to the floor to give freedom to their roots, or in the case of particularly large plants, by sitting on top of them.
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