From my 2005 comedy notebook

Standup that almost but didn't quite work twenty years ago

Twenty years ago, when the world was young and I was really in love with doing standup comedy, I had a discipline of writing for hours every day. If I had a crappy day job, I’d write during my downtime. I worked doing market research on the phone, and I’d write while the automatic dialer searched for a number that picked up.

When I was lucky enough to make money from comedy, I’d plant myself at Starbucks and write. I realized that if I couldn’t be the most naturally gifted comedian, I could at least be one of the hardest-working.

Sometime later this year I’m going to start publishing pages from my notebooks. In the meantime enjoy some jokes that didn’t quite work in 2005:

1. I used to be a professional restaurant critic.
   I went into a seafood place once, and ordered “The Sailor’s Delight.”
   
   They brought me a prostitute and a bottle of whiskey.
   
   I gave that place four stars.
   
   I was fired when my editor asked me how the food was, and I told him about how they gave me crabs.
   

2. My friend Geoff works as a…