FROM THE ARCHIVES: Going Negative Early (2004)
Paid for by the committee to preserve classic material
I almost don’t need to frame this as something I pulled out of my notebooks from 2004, because it’s so soaked in early Internet/late stage television culture. I just wanted to give you, the reader, a couple of notes before stepping into this.
This was a piece that I initially wrote for my blog, and then fleshed out as a piece to perform onstage with a female partner. Thus the section where one character goes after his wife’s weight reads as kind of cruel on the page, but worked well when an audience watches an actress or comedian react with a range of betrayal, anger, and finally air of vengeance as the piece continues.
Also, there’s a certain kind of early millennial blogger maximalism in the section when we get to discussing sex. I thought about editing or rewriting these sections, as unlike the early 2000s there’s now a sense that what’s on the Internet ends up on your permanent record. But I decided just to leave it as written.
Thank you for reading the essay before the piece.
In 2004, one of our Southwestern states hosted a congressional race between Democratic candidate Mary O’Donnel and Republican candidate Brian Farnsworth. The election was particularly nasty, featuring a round-robin of progressively uglier attack ads. Funnily enough, as these things go, the opposing candidates fell in love halfway through the election and got married shortly thereafter.
The problem is that, now that they’re married, the only way they know how to communicate is through attack ads. Whenever they have a fight, the local airwaves still play host to a rough exchange of nasty ads. Here, then, is a transcript of the most recent exchange, as transcribed from the Internet:
The first volley is from Brian Farnsworth’s camp:
Mary O’Donnel claims that it’s Brian Farnsworth’s turn to take out the garbage, but let’s look at the facts. According to the chore schedule, Brian Farnsworth has clearly washed the dishes three times this week when Mary O’Donnel claimed she was “too tired.”
“Too tired” to wash the dishes, Mary O’Donnel? I think the American people are tired - tired of the same old song-and-dance from their elected officials. Isn’t about time for the voters to take out the trash? When it comes time to decide who’s right in this argument, vote for Brian Farnsworth.
Paid for by The Committee to Let Mary O’Donnel Take Out the Garbage Once in a While.
O’Donnel fired back almost immediately with this ad:
Brian Farnsworth says he wants help clean up, but when’s the last time he picked his underwear up off the floor? Mary O’Donnel would like to say Brian Farnsworth should clean up after himself because his mother doesn’t live with them. But oh wait, it seems that she does. When Delilah Farnsworth came to visit, she said she was only staying for a few days. That was three weeks ago, and during that time she hasn’t lifted a finger to help around the house.
Chip off the old block much, Brian Farnsworth?
Delilah Farnsworth shows no interest in leaving their home, just like Brian Farnsworth’s underwear shows no interest in leaving their bedroom floor. No one wants to see Brian Farnsworth’s dirty laundry aired in public, so let’s vote Delilah Farnsworth out of the house, and vote Mary O’Donnel correct in the argument.
Paid for by Friends of Mary O’Donnel Who Have Discussed This with Her in Detail for Hours.
That’s when Brian Farnsworth brought out the big guns:
When Brian Farnsworth met Mary O’Donnel, the world was a different place. The economy was in good shape and so was she. But just as the federal deficit has ballooned out of control, so has Mary O’Donnel, gaining upwards of forty pounds.
Now, Brian Farnsworth will be the first person to embrace change, but how can he embrace something when he can’t even get his arms around it?
If you bought a car and five months later its trunk was dragging too close to the ground, you’d take it back to the dealership. Then again, maybe it’s just carrying too much junk back there.
If you want to leave this argument in the fudge-stained hands of someone who can’t control her own brownie consumption, vote for Mary O’Donnel. When it comes to maintaining his integrity, and his original marriage weight, there’s only one choice - Brian Farnsworth.
Paid for the Brian Farnsworth Committee to Address the – Ahem – Elephant in the Room.
Fortunately, O’Donnel’s people were not afraid to sling mud:
The next orgasm Mary O’Donnel has will be her first. Or at least, her first with Brian Farnsworth. How can Brian Farnsworth hope to satisfy the American people in an elected office when he can’t even satisfy his own wife in the bedroom? How can he hope to find funds to fight terrorists when he can’t even find her clitoris?
Speaking of hot-button issues, yes Mary O’Donnel has been seen in public with fudge, but at least chocolate knows how to hit the spot and satisfy every time – which is more than she can say for Brian Farnsworth.
Brian Farnsworth says Mary O’Donnel has never taken out the trash, but what about when she paid for Brian and his mother to have dinner this week? Which is now the fourth week since Delilah Farnsworth came to stay for “only a few days.”
When you’re in bed tonight, vote “no” to having sex with Brian Farnsworth, and “yes” to satisfaction.
Paid for by Divorce Lawyers for Half of Brian Farnsworth’s Stuff.
But like all elections, there will always be a winner, and a loser ready to concede defeat:
Hi, I’m Brian Farnsworth. You know, in the heat of a campaign a lot of things get said that perhaps the candidates don’t mean. That’s why I’m here tonight, to appeal directly to you – the American voter. Now, I may have made a point about the importance of changing things, but that didn’t include the locks to my house.
The country has seen a lot of disturbing news recently; CNN reports that the country’s at war, The New York Times reports on domestic eavesdropping, and my wife’s best friend reports that Mary O’Donnel is pregnant.
That’s why I’ve paid for this airtime, to make a direct plea – we have a lot of important work left undone. Yes, it’s time for this country and its government, to make concessions; Delilah Farnsworth has unilaterally declared her withdrawal from the occupied territories of the guest bedroom. The dishes have been wiped clean, as I can only hope the slate will be. And so for the sake of our children, and our children’s children, I ask that you reelect me, Brian Farnsworth, as your husband, so that together we can build a road to Better Tomorrowland.
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