Guest Post: Professor Charles Covington
of the Harvard University Passive-Aggressive Institute of Study
My name is Professor Charles Covington of the Harvard University Passive-Aggressive Institute of Study.
And I can’t tell you, literally can’t tell you, how proud I am to be your guest… author? blogger? babysitter? Although normally when I’m somebody’s guest they offer refreshments. It’s a joke! It cannot be as much my pleasure to grace your laptop for free as it must be for you to entertain a full professor from Harvard.
That’s spelled H-A-R-V-A-R-D. University. You may have heard of it. It isn’t exactly a community college. Not that I’m saying you made it through community college. I’m sure you’re probably smart enough. Oh. You went to UCLA? That’s much better.
Nice place you have here. Very homey-if you live in the Salvation Army Men’s Shelter. Just kidding! How smart of you to buy this couch before it became retro.
I guess you don’t offer your guests a drink. Oh no, I didn’t mean that as a hint. Why thank you! Tap water. Well, they say water is the wine of the poverty-stricken. Hmm, this tastes like a vintage Trenton, 1974. Relax, I’m just kidding guy.
Who’s that adorable woman in the picture? Your aunt? Oh, it’s your girlfriend. How long have you been together? Three years? Is it that you’re afraid to commit or that she wouldn’t say yes?
I didn’t say anything. I just have this tendency to trail off muttering. No, really, I hardly said anything worth repeating. Oh yes, now I remember, I did meet her. I can’t imagine it; beautiful women never slip my mind. I think you’re a very attractive couple. Couple of whats I won’t say. Relax, it’s a joke!
Anyway, it’s been really nice chatting with you, but I have to run. No, I’d love to stay for dinner, but I’m getting paid per word and, judging by the way its readership dresses, I suspect that we just reached the outer limits of what this blog or I’m sorry Substack can afford.
But seriously, let’s do this again sometime. Oh, I don’t have my Day Planner on me. My number? I don’t have one. Yes, I have a phone but I don’t have a number. You can reach me by calling Harvard. You can Google it by searching for H-A-R- oh, you remember how to spell it. You certainly have met my expectations if not exceeded them!
All right? Great. Good to meet you, too.