HANDMADE FATHER’S DAY COUPONS I WISH I’D GIVEN MY DAD
NOW THAT I’M OLD ENOUGH TO UNDERSTAND
This coupon good for twenty minutes of sitting alone in the car before I tell Mom you’re home.
Valid for one (1) cross-country trip in a Subaru station wagon during which bearer will not hear it suggested that waking up at 3 a.m. and driving across five states in nine hours constitutes less “a vacation” than “even more work than you do at the office.”
Redeemable for one free hug. (Valid for use by my third-grade teacher Ms. Goodson.)
One full winter day of having the thermostat as low as you can possibly stand it, regardless of whether I am “freezing to death” and also putting on a sweater will make me “too hot.”
This coupon entitles bearer to one (1) instance in which, upon opening a Christmas present from Santa and muttering “Santa spent half his paycheck on that,” I, being 7 years old, agree to ask zero follow-up questions resulting in an emotional meltdown roughly comparable to Chernobyl.
Good for one (1) instance of having the presence of mind to answer “What beer?” when Mom quietly asks how many you’ve had to drink.
This coupon entitles bearer to one (1) occasion in which, when I change the channel and bearer says “Turn it back, I was watching that,” I will not point out that bearer was asleep and snoring loudly enough to wake the neighbor’s dog.
Valid for one full calendar year of not having a medical emergency when the goddamn Mets are finally in the playoffs already.
Redeemable for sixteen gallons of premium unleaded so bearer does not have to take out a second mortgage after I borrow the car.
This coupon good for one (1) instance in which, upon bearer saying “Do you think I’m made of money?” and my responding “If you did you’d have married a hotter wife,” I , being 17 years old, will possess the common sense not to interrupt the fifteen-minute introspective silence that follows as bearer stares into the middle distance.
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