"Hi! It's Me! The Mediocre White Man You Wish You Had the Confidence of!"
And I'm here with some advice for you!
THE SCENE: Happy hour at Suspenders, a bar on Wall Street
Hey ladies, I’m sure you won’t mind if I tell you I’ve been eavesdropping on your little investment club, and I have to tell you it’s really inspiring that you gals are trying to learn the stock market. You know, it can be very tricky –
Hey, I didn’t interrupt you so please don’t talk over me, that’s pretty rude. Anyway, I couldn’t help seeing on your sign that you call yourselves “The Women in Professional Stockbroking Meetup”. That’s cute, but how about something a little more fun, like “Invest-WO-ments” or “The Devil Shares Prada” or something like that.
I’m sure you don’t mind I’m joining you, because if you did I would have heard you say something. Exactly, like “Please leave”. Right, “Get away from us you creep,” is another great example of what I didn’t hear you say. Anyway, I don’t know how much experience your little sewing circle has with Wall Street. Oh, all of you? Like penny stocks, or…?
Oh, you all work on the Street. I guess these firms need secretaries and what not. That’s something fun to do until you snag a rich husband from among your coworkers on the trading floor. See? I bet she married her boss. Oh, you’re the boss? I bet you are. You mean he’s a literal subordinate? I bet he is!
Anyway, if you just want to invest for fun, I recommend starting with a newer tech company. Sure, you might be tempted to invest in a “brand name” you’ve seen around the house like Procter & Gamble, or Johnson & Johnson. But let’s be honest, those industries, soap, band-aids, medicine, they’re all very volatile. All it takes is a competitor coming up with a robot maid – I bet you’d love that! - or a cure for split ends or whatever you ladies need, and those companies are out of business.
Yes, I suppose you can record me with your phone if you want. You’re right, it is easier than taking notes. Anyway, what you want to do is invest in an industry with long-term potential. For instance, I just got off a chat with my AI investment counselor at the Breaking Wall Street app and the word he’s hearing is that there’s a hot new company out of Georgia that manufactures AI-powered kitchen appliances.
Of course you can ask a question! No, he isn’t on Wall Street, he’s on r/WallStreet, the subreddit full of highly successful amateur investors.
No, not Georgia the state, Georgia the country, where a lot of the best computer programmers out of the eastern former Soviet bloc live. They helped develop the Khlam 100, a competitor to the MacBook before all those fires that killed their customers.
Why is she giggling?
Right, I’m not like those other guys who explains things to women in their field of expertise. I’m really glad you recognized that. I’m kind of like a feminist, not like a radical “Let’s burn everything down and fire men for making jokes” feminist. I like to think of most women as something like my equals.
Anyway, as I was explaining, this company’s hot. Like, “their warehouse caught fire” hot. Don’t worry, the Georgia politsiya did a full investigation and it turned out not to be insurance fraud, but the guy who runs it now has additional capital to invest in stage 3 of appliance development. These are going to connect to the Internet with the help of superfast wires that plug directly in. It’s a feature unavailable to our modern laptops running on American wifi.
And get this, his company Khlam Shell Corporation, is on the market for only fifty cents a share. It’s going to be the new AMC! Where did my AI counselor get his info? No, not the Wall Street Journal. Not the Motley Fool, either. I’ll give you a hint of two words and two words only: Joe Rogan.
“Do I help other women in professional fields?” It’s not a woman thing, I help everyone. I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday, and the nurse thanked me for all the help I was giving her operating the blood pressure cuff and digital thermometer and so on.
I’m sorry you’re leaving so soon, and yeah, I’d be happy to let you “tag” me in a video on Instagram or whatever. I’m NiceGuyDontKnowWhy02. And slide into my DMs, I’d be happy to give you more money tips.
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