I Appear to Be the Only Person Who Has Noticed That the Raccoons Are Replacing Us

I would love to be wrong about this.

They Might Have Infiltrated the Government at All Levels

My representative, Congressman Mike R. Human, recently won the election following a fierce town hall debate where he scratched his opponent’s eyes out. The press called it a “strong showing for his position on waste management”, but in my opinion it was an overreaction to opposition to a plan to reduce garbage collection to once every other month. Also, there’s the Supreme Court’s recent decision in The State of Maryland vs. Yummy Delicious Expired Fish Heads LLC, that it’s legal to sell garbage as food.

All These New Movies Seem Geared Towards Raccoons

I know it was a big hit, but I sat through Ryan Gosling Attempts to Open A Padlocked Garbage Bin and three hours of that goes a long way. Don’t get me wrong, I found it very suspenseful when he spent twenty minutes trying to open a can of dog food. But as good an actor as Gosling is, when he started screaming “I’ll do anything you say just don’t scratch my eyes out”, it felt less like a character and more like a hostage situation.

My Boss Promoted His Cousin Gerald Over Me

Yes, I was caught coming out of the bathroom once without washing my hands, while Gerald will sometimes sit on the edge of a full sink and bathe his face for twenty minutes. But we were recently called in for a companywide meeting because customers have been delinquent in their payments during this economic slowdown. I recommended that we institute a penalty structure, while Gerald suggested that we chew through their roof and make a nest in their attic insulation. Guess which proposal the boss went with! And yes it worked, but that’s not the way we do business. But as we say in the office, “Better to get your work done than end up in HR getting your eyes scratched out!”

The New Neighbors Have No Sense of Privacy

I’m not going to pretend that my old neighbors, the Tankfords, were my best friends. But building a fence between our properties really helped our relationship, so I don’t see why the new neighbors need to keep climbing over that fence and across the power lines over my yard when they want to go anywhere. Sometimes they sit on that fence and just watch while we eat which is very uncomfortable. Other times I catch them washing their hands in my birdbath. Then again, after the eye-scratching incident, nobody steals Amazon packages on the block anymore.

My Wife Might Be Cheating on Me With a Raccoon

I got suspicious at first when Susan started collecting shiny objects. Then I called her while she was out on a “girl’s night” and I could hear the sound of chattering and hissing in the background. The other night I came home from work an hour early and a raccoon was sitting on the couch watching SportsCenter and eating a bowl of fish heads. After I kicked him out, Susan said if I ever embarrassed her like that again she’d scratch my eyes out.

I’m 90% Sure My New Therapist Is A Raccoon

I had one therapist who constantly fell asleep while I was talking, and I had another who would take phone calls during our sessions. But I’ve never caught any of them chewing through their chair to eat the padding inside. Also, when I started to explain that I was seeing raccoons everywhere, he jumped on my head and clawed at my eyes while screaming in my ear. On the other hand, all he charges me is a bowl of fresh berries and my insurance covers that.