I'm With A Cult and We're Recruiting at Your College's Career Fair
Hi! I see you’re interested in joining the Church of the New Day Star. My name is Coyote, and this is my Sister-Partner Minora. Oh, sorry, you’re waiting for the booth next to us. Absolutely, J.P. Morgan Chase is the “safer” career option. But since you’re standing here, I’d ask you to consider whether devoting yourself to a holy prophet might be just as fulfilling as a career in banking.
Okay, I can tell by the tone in your voice that your professors at – what was your major? – at MBA school have indoctrinated you into believing that a life in service to an international merchant bank is going to lead to personal fulfillment.
But think about it for a moment. Let’s say that out of the thousands of applicants, you get picked for that internship. If things go well, you spend the next ten years working your way up to middle-management. If you’re lucky you might get to meet a Vice President at a lunch one day, but you’ll always be dozens of layers beneath the CEO.
On our mint farm, your boss will be the Prophet Josiah Provenance-of-Angels Kutnetzov (blessed be his loins), and he talks directly to God. Think about that. Do you want to be thirty-six layers under some CEO, or do you want to be second-in-line to God?
Okay, thank you for the follow-up question and to be fully transparent, the answer is no, you won’t actually start out second in line. You’ll have to work your way up like everybody else, planting and harvesting on the mint farm. But if you show some team spirit at the mandatory Sunday group confessions, do a little bit of networking, and really show us something spectacular at the New Moon orgies, you’ll see that in no time at all –
That’s right. “New Moon orgy.” We find it’s a great way to blow off some steam after working ten hour days planting and harvesting mint. That might sound like a lot, but look at it this way; if you take a corporate internship you’ll find yourself working fourteen hour days, sleeping under your desk if you get one, and taking home no pay.
We reduce that workload by four hours, and if you work really hard you’ll even get your own key to the toilet shack. If you join the Prophet Josiah (blessed be), you won’t have to worry about making enough to cover rent because you’ll be living in Barn Seven with eleven roommates you will come to know very well, on your very own bunk.
And when we say you get job security, we are not kidding. Our members wouldn’t quit if they could.
I can see you’re really eager to get back in line for the other booth. But let me just run down our list of benefits. We offer free meals, and our chef has a gift for working with mint. He makes everything from mint stew to mint fricassee.
As far as a health plan is concerned, we offer an HMO to rival any other – the Farm’s own in-house 24-hour access to our Doc. Which is his name, we’re not sure if he’s actually a licensed doctor. And Doc makes this brew from these mushrooms he cultivates that will make you forget you’re sick. In fact, we add it to a lot of our meals so we can forget we’re eating mint.
Do you want to be thirty-six layers under some CEO, or do you want to be second-in-line to God?
Excellent question, and I’m going to ignore what sounds like a hint of sarcasm to answer, no. We do not offer a 401k. We do invest the money we raise selling our new members’ belongings right back into the farm, buying work gloves, hand trowels, sun hats, cotton robes, and a 2026 Jeep Wrangler for the Prophet Josiah Provenance-of-Angels Kutzenzov (blessed be his loins) to tour and inspect the mint farm.
Also, members who stay with us for a full year receive a thousand shares in our New Star Tea Corporation. That’s right, we run New Star Tea.
Right, the one your Nana buys at CVS. Every bag is made with mint hand-cultivated by our members right here in Southern California, that’s why it tastes so good.
No need to be embarrassed, a lot of people don’t know we’re a publicly traded company. Mint tea is surprisingly big business.
Yes, I was just about to say, in addition to the shares, after the introductory farming year we place our members in corporate positions according to their strengths.
Well, thank you for your interest. I’ll just place your resume on this pile.
And if we’re interested we’ll send some people around to find you.
If you enjoyed this, please hit the heart button, it helps with the algorithm or something.