The “Footprints” They Don’t Sell at Hobby Lobby
God couldn’t carry me, so He dragged me through the sand.
I’m designing mass-market novelty shirts. It turns out this design violates many companies’ Terms of Service in many different ways. Only an idiot would sell it.
So of course I’ve put it up in the Substack merch shop, because what’s a trademark infringement lawsuit between friends? Just keep it hush hush! I don’t want to go to copyright prison! (Watermarks not included.)
One night I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord.
Many scenes from my life flashed across the sky.
In each scene, I noticed footprints in the sand.
Sometimes there were two sets of footprints.
Other times, only one.
This bothered me because I noticed that during the low periods of my life—
when I was suffering from anguish, sorrow, or defeat—
I could see only one set of footprints.
So I said to the Lord:
"You promised me, Lord, that if I followed you, you'd walk with me always.
But during the most trying times of my life, there’s only one set of prints in the sand.
Why? When I needed you most, why weren’t you there for me?"
The Lord replied:
"The times when you’ve seen only one set of footprints...
that’s when I carried you."
And then I replied:
"Yeah, okay, but why didn’t you carry me more? I mean, my whole life was pretty tough. I could’ve used a little more of an assist."
And God said:
"What am I, your mommy? I’m a very busy guy."
I looked down the beach and saw a point where there weren’t footprints at all—
just the outline of a body being dragged through the sand.
I said,
"What the hell is that?"
God looked at me and said,
"Uh, yeah. You were drunk."
I said,
"No fucking way. I’d remember being that drunk."
God sighed and said,
"Okay, look—I didn’t want to say this, but...
you could stand to lose a few pounds.
I can’t be carrying you all over the place
if you keep eating Pop-Tarts like they’re communion wafers."
I said,
"Pop-Tarts are healthy. There’s fruit in the middle."
God rolled his eyes and muttered,
"Whatever."
So I said,
"Look, I don’t know what kind of wacko goes around carrying people in their sleep,
but as far as I’m concerned—you can go to hell."
Then I looked further down the beach
and saw elephant tracks.
And next to them, comically oversized clown shoe prints.
I turned to ask God about them.
But He was gone.
What a jerk.
(If this spoke to you spiritually, please forward to the most annoying person in your life.)
If this made you laugh, or think, or question your relationship with breakfast pastries:
Share it with a friend, or that cousin who posts spiritual quotes with minion memes.
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SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT GIVE MY LAWYER INDIGESTION
Here’s another great shirt design idea I shouldn’t have had:
“Pop-Tarts are healthy. There’s fruit in the middle.”
Inspired by a line in my Footprints piece above, this shirt is great for breakfast, lunch, or an anytime snack!