My Supervillain Origin Story
The following is 100% true and 1000% embarrassing
In high school, I was quite the “card.” That’s why my teachers “hated” me.
In Mrs. Jones’ creative writing class, we were asked to make a presentation, so my friend Bill and I, being fans of Saturday Night Live and The Kids in the Hall and Monty Python, did a little three-minute sketch comedy/music revue.
And me being an aspiring comedian, and being that we were teenage boys given zero guidance beyond making our writing creative, did not allow the bounds of good taste to dictate our material.
This is that old comedy routine, recently unearthed from an old notebook, followed by the unique way our teacher graded a presentation she hated.
Act One: Lobotoman
ANNOUNCER: Lobotoman! [theme song] The Most Mentally Absent Superhero!
[Lobotoman sits and does nothing for 10 seconds.]
ANNOUNCER: Stay tuned for the next episode of Lobotoman!
Act Two: Vaudeville Act (Mrs. Jones’ Mother)
NOTE: Act Two is just described in my notes as “Vaudeville Act (Mrs. Jones’ Mother).” I’m not sure what it was supposed to be, but I remember we had the wisdom to not actually finish writing it let alone perform it.
Act Three: Chuck’s Poem
NOTE: CHUCK (not his real name) was this guy in our class, the kind of guy who carried around drumsticks and a drummer magazine, not because he played drums but because he thought that appearing to play drums made him cool. He was the one whose family eventually tried to send me to prison for prank-calling them. That’s another story.
Anyway, Chuck had written a poem for a girl at some point that started, “The ocean and I are blue today.” It was pretty wretched, even by high school poetry standards. I don’t know why he let us read it, he definitely shouldn’t have done that.
And because high school kids are the most awful people on Earth, we decided to perform a parody. In a class where Chuck was sitting there. Watching us.
The ocean and I are blue today,
For my love, my love she went away.
Your face is like the finest rope I’ve ever seen,
Your eyes are like two crystal balls, where I can see the future.
Your arms, oh your arms, are like two slender sticks, where I would love to be a little bird... perched.
Our love is like a spiral notebook, where the spiral of our love interweaves
With the pages of our memories.
Oh, your bosom is like a Danish Moo Cow’s Udders,
Oh your buttocks, just like my mudder’s.
Oh your Nose, how it sticks out of your face,
Oh your teeth, like two spearmint chiclets.
Oh my love for you is infinite, like outer space
Where we are two Martians,
Sailing,
Sailing.
(sailing)
Act Four: Bill’s Song
We sang this in public:
If you play with feces,
You get diseasies,
That’s what my mother told me.
If you drink from the toilet,
Make sure you boil it,
She would always scold me.
And wash your hands when you wipe your ass,
And never pick your nose in public.
Act Five: Mr. Happy
Picture this if you will. Me, with a Senor Wences face drawn on my hand, standing in a corner, facing away from the class. As Bill sang the following theme song, I unzipped my fly and stuck my arm through it:
BILL: [singing] Come with me, as I whip out, Mr. Happy!
From there I used my amazing improv skills to carry the rest of the sketch, as we didn’t finish writing it, but I don’t remember how it went.
I do know that it didn’t matter what I did or said at that point, because the entire class was dying of laughter.
Mrs. Jones hated it, because she was first, and foremost, a lady. But Mrs. Jones was also, above all else, an awesome teacher. And to be fair to us she had two other students sit down with her, and the three of them secretly graded our project, and she averaged it out.
Mrs. Jones gave us a very low score, and the two classmates gave us a very high score, and between the three our grade was an 85. And in a way, I think my career has continued that trajectory ever since.
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