My USC Commencement Speech (That Didn’t Get Picked)
I'll be back next Monday
Yesterday marked my thirtieth anniversary in standup comedy, a milestone that sometimes feels like a millstone.
I almost wrote a reflection on my thirty years, how I started, where I am now, what lessons I learned along the way. But I’m currently putting that energy into my weekly Philosophy of Modern Standup series that I expect to turn into a book.
This Friday, May 15th, I will be graduating from the University of Southern California’s School of Cinematic Arts, the number one film school in the world. Like the rest of my cohort, I will be emerging into the world trained for a business that is currently making headlines for being in a frightening state of flux.
I’m being warned that the work isn’t there, sometimes by well-meaning friends, sometimes by professionals who found the business changing while they were mid-career. Weirdly enough, I’m not scared.
I started standup after the collapse of the standup comedy boom. The people I started with were some of the smartest, funniest people I knew. As yesterday’s headliners clung to their spots in the city’s clubs, and the “road” became a tangle of bad-paying gigs, we found new places to perform in nontraditional venues.
And while none of us got paid $10,000 for a weekend in Boston, our audiences found us. My friends who were the most disciplined writers became successful award-winning writers. Those who were able to work out three times a week and watch what they ate became actors.
And we all did television.
I guess I’m saying I’m not afraid of carving my own path in the business. I’ve done it before. Although I will admit, I am preemptively exhausted.
USC held an open call for SCA commencement speakers among the graduating class. What follows is my submission. It did not get chosen.
Good evening, my fellow Trojans. I’m Liam. Since I don’t officially enter the entertainment business until the very second this commencement ceremony ends, I can, for one last time, be fully, completely, and openly honest about my age. I am 25. Sorry, that’s my entertainment business age. I’m 49. In three months I’ll be 50. I am probably older than most of the fathers in attendance.
My brief for this speech is to inspire. So if at some point you get bored, just remember that in the Trojan football program’s long and storied history of greatness, Sam Darnold was the first starting quarterback out of USC to win the Super Bowl. It’s got nothing to do with what I’m talking about, but it’s inspirational.
When I was younger than you, I got work as a standup comedian and dropped out of college after my first semester. And I will tell you, now that you’re all graduates and I can no longer be a terrible role model — I don’t regret it. While my peers back home in Queens, New York, were beginning their lives and careers, I was embarking on an adventure.
I had my first writing job, for a website called Joke-of-the-Day.com, at 24. I did my first TV spot at 25 — when that was my real age. I worked dead-end jobs and met people from all different backgrounds. I made friends with poets and musicians, filmmakers and rock club bookers, journalists and the editorial staff of The Onion.
I produced my first film fifteen years ago on a microbudget, with the help of all those same friends. I say this not to brag, but because it’s my experience.
They say that with advanced age comes advanced wisdom. I’ve felt old every day I’ve been surrounded by 20-year-olds, but I must not be as advanced in age as I feel, because I only have one piece of truly earned wisdom: Make your life an adventure.
When you leave this oasis and are thrown into what is, with increasing absurdity, called “the real world,” pressure will come from every direction. Your parents will want to know what you’re doing with your expensive degree. Your peers will announce amazing careers. Some of them will even be telling the truth.
When my friends were making big moves, I worked my way through Europe. When they scored impressive jobs, I produced and starred in a film that toured big fancy film festivals. And now, at the end of the day, I am graduating from USC, and we are all on LinkedIn looking for work.
The work I’ve done, the career I built, the times I’ve suffered and prospered — all of it has informed my work and enriched my life. The world you are graduating into is confusing, scary, and infuriating to a historical degree. But that’s the world. Your life is what you make of it. At your age I thought that was a corny cliché. Now I know it’s a corny cliché with a lot of truth behind it.
Thirty years ago, I was a GED recipient with a semester’s worth of college. I am now a graduate of what is objectively the greatest film school in the world. What comes next — for me, for you, for the world — is not entirely for us to say. I can only tell you that if you put one foot in front of the other and say yes to adventure regardless of reward, you will profit a thousandfold.
Thank you. God bless, go Trojans, and find me on LinkedIn.
If you want to give me a graduation present, support this Substack by subscribing below. If you’re feeling generous, you can sign up for a paid subscription, although I’ll be happy if you just sign up for free. Either way you'll get every Monday and Thursday post.
And if this post his you in the feels, feel free to share it:
Aw, this is so great. lol at mentioning that you're glad you dropped out of college in your commencement speech. 😂 And the Sam Darnold line made me tear up. But that's because I'm a Vikings fan and we gave him to the Seahawks. lol
Congrats on graduating!!!