Questions I Asked the Internet Instead of a Doctor
Being sick opens a whole new world of self-pity
I’ve been fighting this RSV illness for the past two weeks, and when I use the word “fighting” I mean it in the same sense that the French Underground did during World War II. I’ve been quietly expressing a moral objection to being sick while lying low and hoping this cold or virus or whatever I have will go away on its own.
I haven’t talked to my doctor, because I figure it’s easier to lie on my back and feel sorry for myself and Google my symptoms. Especially when the alternative is to drive to my doctor’s office and park and wait in a waiting room for thirty minutes until it’s my turn to wait in an examining room for a further fifteen minutes and talk to a doctor so that he can then have his nurse Google my symptoms and tell me to stay in bed and not go anywhere.
In that spirit, here’s a partial list of questions I asked the Internet instead of a doctor:
Number of people with RSV annually.
Number of people who die from RSV annually.
Can you die from the common cold?
Can you literally die from loneliness?
Can I hire someone to read me a bedtime story and tuck me in?
Escort service + bedtime story.
Escort service + bedtime story ONLY.
Escort service + bedtime story only NO SEX
How often do escorts steal a wallet while you sleep?
How often do escorts steal your kidneys while you sleep?
How much mucus does a human head contain?
Head completely filled with mucus.
Tiny vacuum to stick into nostril and suck mucus out.
Who can I sue for giving me RSV?
Soup-based diets.
How many people have literally died from boredom?
When someone leaves everything to their cat, is that legally enforceable?
Lawsuit + heirs + cat + will
Has a cat ever known they were in someone’s will and killed them?
Do cats get allergic to people?
Make money without leaving bed.
Make money without leaving bed no results about being an escort.
Humans evolve from fish?
Can I evolve through sheer willpower?
Evolving into superhuman incapable of contracting viruses
Normal bowel movement color
Normal bowel movement shape
Abnormal bowel movement
Abnormal bowel movement crazy stories
Is there a thing that’s like body shaming but with bowel movement color and shape?
Which ingredient in daytime cold medicine do they use to make meth?
How much daytime cold medicine would I need to take to feel the effects of meth?
How to become “Heisenberg of Dayquil”
Can Google searching meth ingredients land you on an FBI watchlist?
If you’re going to raid my apartment can you bring soup?
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