Signs That I Am No Longer the Target Demographic for Anything
I never knew what a relief this would be
One of the underrated benefits of aging in America is that there comes a time when nobody wants your attention but pharmaceutical companies and term life insurance programs.
If you’re wondering if you’ve reached that point, here are some signs I’ve recently noted that I’m not the person anyone is looking for anymore.
Tubi will stop a commercial three seconds in, say “Not this guy,” and skip back to the episode of Columbo I was watching.
I tried to sign up for a new social media platform, and a window popped up that said “No thanks!” before redirecting me to Facebook.
The security guard at Macy’s stops me at the door and frogmarches me to the middle-aged guys polo shirt-and-khakis section.
I rate movies and TV shows based on how many times I roll my eyes over what young people think real problems are.
Ticketmaster now lists concerts by how much time I’ll have to spend standing on my feet.
I told the Porsche salesman I was thinking about buying; he offered me a test drive and dropped me off at a Toyota dealership.
I tried creating a dating profile on Feeld. It asked me for who.
Planet Fitness offered me a membership tier where, for an extra ten dollars a month, they’ll back me up when I stay home and lie about having gone.
I asked a hotel concierge for advice on where to go for a good time, and he suggested straight to bed.
The young man handing out nightclub flyers downtown ran three full city blocks before giving up and letting me take one.
LinkedIn announced a time-saving feature for recruiters where it automatically deletes my resume for them.
I walked into Departamento and asked a salesman where to find clothes that would upgrade my wardrobe, and he gave me directions to J.C. Pennys.
I rate new music based on how many songs I get into an album before putting on The Very Best of Prince.
The guy who runs the Kiss Cam at the baseball game told me to move so he can film the attractive siblings behind me.
Cult members recruiting on the street ask if I have a younger, slightly-more-impressionable sibling at home.
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