Texts From My Landlord That Have Me A Bit Concerned
Forwarded to my lawyer, therapist, and mom
Thank you for reporting the mice in your apartment. In response I’ve assessed a $25 pet rent to be added to your ledger.
Starting on the first, rent payments must be direct deposited into my DraftKings account.
If the IRS calls, I’ve been writing off your apartment as an office for my Amway distributorship so just be cool.
As part of our upgrade of the building’s plumbing, all toilets will now be “pay as you go”.
Good news! As a new security measure to prevent home robberies we will institute a rent increase effective immediately, cutting down on the number of valuables that you can buy to attract burglars.
Are you the owner of the blue 2024 Toyota Corolla in spot 19, and can I borrow your car to run some errands? And also, I’m already at Target if you need anything,
Just a reminder that it’s your turn to host Thanksgiving dinner this year.
As a heads up, the painter will be working in your apartment next Thursday. Just so you can prepare, you should know he specializes in nudes.
This is a reminder that the meth processing lab is for ALL tenants, but you MUST make a reservation with Chico 24 hours in advance.
If you see a 23-foot boa constrictor, do not let the blue uniform or name tag “Handy” fool you; she is NOT part of the maintenance staff.
Several of your neighbors reported loud music and people coming in and out of your apartment last night, and I thought after your last all-night party we agreed that you would invite me to the next one.
It’s been three months of hard work, but we’ve finally finished ranking all residents on our 1-10 “hot or not” scale which is now available on the building’s tenant portal.
I can’t help noticing you haven’t followed me back on Pornhub.
I would like to introduce José both as your brand-new building manager and also as required under Megan’s Law.
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