The Department of Homeland Security's Social Media Requirements for Entry to the United States of America
The First Amendment has a few addendums.
“A U.S. visa is a privilege, not a right,” the State Department said in a press release announcing that all student and exchange visa applicants will now be required to make their social media profiles public to enable “comprehensive and thorough vetting.”
In response to press and public inquiries, the Department of Homeland Security has issued a clarification on what kind of social media behavior can result in the denial of class F, M, and J nonimmigrant visas.
The following Facebook activity will result in immediate denial of entry:
Replying in every comment section on every post.
This behavior may indicate the applicant is jobless and therefore possibly funded by a hostile foreign power aiming to drive American citizens out of their minds.
Posting on Facebook like it’s a private text.
For example: Under a smiling family photo at Disneyland, you comment, “This reminds me—your Aunt Diane passed. Please call me.” This is the kind of judgment lapse that leads to the mother of a beauty pageant contestant bringing up a certain billionaire’s island—in a thread about funnel cake.
The following X (Twitter) activity will result in immediate denial of entry:
Posting stories about your 7-year-old delivering TED Talks.
If you’re willing to fabricate wisdom from a child you allegedly love, how far would you go to lie to an entire country?
Being too pro-American.
If you’re currently being detained while a Customs officer with a gun reviews your Twitter likes and you're still posting bald eagle memes with the sentiment that “America is the greatest country on Earth,” even we think that’s a bit much.
Other Platforms Under Review:
Twitter, Bluesky, and Threads
Profiles will be scanned by AI for un-American word combinations such as “Taylor Swift + overrated” or “Tom Hanks + boring”, and will result in immediate denial of entry.
Pinterest
Specifically, users who have pinned hundreds of Miu Miu cropped jackets, Eres by Chanel bathing suits, and Fendi Baguettes. If, for example, your PayPal history indicates that you borrowed $500 from your mom to pay the rent this month, where is the U.S. government supposed to believe the money will come from to buy all that?
Dating apps such as Tinder and Bumble
Accounts will be screened for “follower farming.” Claiming you're too busy to check your messages on the app and must be contacted on Instagram is suspicious behavior. Posting hourly thirst traps for an audience who thinks you might be interested in them indicates a possible attempt to radicalize lonely American men.
LinkedIn
While using it as a dating app isn’t illegal, it is definitely suspicious. Especially if bad dates end up as long boring essays about what you learned about the importance of aligning expectations in agile environments.
Food delivery apps ie, Uber Eats, Doordash
A high frequency of orders from any Starbucks less than two blocks from your home indicates a level of laziness that even the United States and its people cannot support.
Letterboxd
Accounts will be vetted for a balance between prestige art-house fare as “The Apu Trilogy” and crowd-pleasing action films like ‘Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.’ People who claim to only watch “smart people” movies are hiding something - and not very smartly.
This should serve as notice to those who would dare enter this great nation with AI-generated memes, out-of-context film clips that force you to Google the movie they’re from, and inspirational quotes incorrectly attributed to George Carlin or Mark Twain.
This is just a reminder that my first special, West Coasting, will be available on Amazon Prime in October. Specific drop date to come.
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