The Nine New Circles of Hell
Punishing sins that Dante never imagined
As the birth rates rise, so, eventually, do the death rates. This means that Hell has to keep accommodating the sheer mass of people sent to their eternal torment. Part of this project includes putting in an additional Nine Circles to punish the sins that have popped up in the millennia since the original Nine Circles were built.
Tenth Circle: Standing up literally the second the plane lands. Until the end of time, they will be bound to a stake driven into the ground under an open overhead compartment filled with an endless supply of heavy suitcases that will be dragged out by demons with hairy arms and serious B.O. and smashed upon their heads, followed by a rude remark about how they should really get out of the way.
Eleventh Circle: Secretly filming other people in public to goof on, prank, or comment about them later on TikTok. They will have their eyes pried wide open, A Clockwork Orange-style, and forced to watch large families with small children do elaborately-choreographed dances and couples doing “comedy” skits for all eternity.
Twelfth Circle: Making a point of going through a doorway first and then stopping as soon as they get to the other side. The only punishment is to have their feet nailed into the floor at the top of an escalator or just on the other side of a TSA metal detector, where a very long line of busy demons knock them down and walk across their bodies over and over.
Thirteenth Circle: Putting phone calls, FaceTime convos, and Zoom meetings on speaker in public settings because they can’t be bothered to buy a simple set of $20 bluetooth earbuds. This person’s punishment is to be stuck on the most important call of their lives for eternity, unable to hear a thing because they’re surrounded by demons on speaker phones loudly describing their oral surgeries in excruciating detail, canceling weekend plans, or loudly watching a telenovela that never ends.
Fourteenth Circle: Replying-All. This sinner will be fed a steady supply of sleeping pills, and then laid down on a bed with their head next to a thousand phones buzzing with a million angry texts and e-mails of people asking everyone else to stop replying to a group message, or asking to be taking off the group chat or e-mail list.
Fifteenth Circle: Taking out an acoustic guitar and playing songs at a party without being asked. They will have their hands cuffed behind their backs until the circulation cuts off and then forced to perform an acoustic concert in front of a million ungodly eldritch monsters who were all just about to get the phone number of another monster they’d been trying to date since the dawn of time.
Sixteenth Circle: Saying “Must Be Nice” when told someone’s else good news. An eternity of having a full bladder and being given the wrong directions to the bathroom.
Seventeenth Circle: Getting a fake set of service animal papers for a loud, untrained animal that will then get taken into every place that civilized people are trying to shop, eat, and in general live their lives uninterrupted. Having their heads placed in a sack and spending eternity being led around by a Seeing-Eye Hyena.
Eighteenth Circle: Microwaving a fish in the office break room. Clever, ironic punishments won’t work, because there’s literally nothing you can say or do that will teach these people. The only thing for it is to freeze them, microwave them, and then toss them in a full garbage bag that nobody thinks is their job to empty, and to do this on repeat for all eternity.