THE ROMAN SENATE’S OFFICIAL TALKING POINTS FOLLOWING THE ASSASSINATION OF JULIUS CAESAR
Colleagues,
After March 15th’s vigorous senatorial reprimand of Julius Caesar, public trust has dipped. Please use the following approved language in all statements, scrolls, and conversations in public baths.
1. Terminology
The stabbing twenty-three times will now be called a “series of strong no-votes.”
Refer to the event as “Caesar’s removal from public life,” not “murder in broad daylight.”
Avoid the word “conspiracy” (mostly for Brutus, but let’s all keep this in mind). Instead use the phrase, “swift and thorough senatorial reprimand.”
2. Messaging
Frame this as a continuation of Caesar’s decisive leadership style.
Thank you, Senator Casca, for the brilliant “doing this out in public in front of hundreds of spectators” optics. Nevertheless, we can spin this by reminding the rampaging mobs: The Republic values transparency.
3. Arts & Culture
The mob’s accidental killing of Cinna the Poet in place of Senator Cinna will now be referred to as “a major reduction in public arts funding.”
Emphasize fiscal responsibility and bipartisan support for fewer poets.
Tie into popular support for cutting the Republic Endowment of the Arts entirely.
4. The Marc Antony Issue
Credit Senator Trebonius for distracting Antony with sewage funding.
Encourage Antony to keep his eulogy politically neutral. Suggested phrasing:
“I come to bury Caesar in dirt, not in compliments.”
“Brutus is an honorable man” appears sixteen times in the script for Antony’s speech. Please cut by half.
Note: A plurality of senators support cutting it entirely.
5. Media Relations
Remind reporters that Caesar’s last words were not “Et tu, Brute?”
Official quote: “I was just about to raise taxes on orphanages.”
Any historian who writes otherwise will be subject to a thorough Senatorial reprimand.
6. Moving Forward
Highlight our commitment to stable leadership and clean togas.
When in doubt, pivot to infrastructure, our hatred of the Greeks.
End of memo.
The Committee to Oversee Dictatorial Affairs thanks you for helping Rome heal.
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