Things That Trump Promised in His State of the Union Address
or The Speech That Broke Satire
IMPORTANT NOTE: I started this piece as a list of silly-but-slightly-plausible things that Trump would have promised. For instance, “Replace Daylight Savings Time with American Savings Time”.
But the more I parsed the things Trump actually promised in his State of the Union, the more I realized I can’t really exaggerate them because his real promises are so absurd that they sound like I’m making them up.
In the following humor article, the real things that Trump promised will be marked with an asterisk.
This might break your brain.
The War on Fraud
Vice-President J.D. Vance will lead the War on Fraud.* The word “fraud” will be redefined to exclude making up a childhood of poverty in the South to make yourself sound electable.
Ivanka Trump, Don, Jr., and Eric Trump will lead a War on Nepotism. And Pam Bondi will lead the War on Lying Under Oath.
The Tariffs
Tariffs remain in place, and will replace the income tax.* Pricing on goods will now be based on two large gentlemen in track suits coming to your home and asking how much money you’ve got.
The Price of Gas
The price of gas will be under $2.70 in “most states”.* In those “other states” which we don’t have to name but we all know weren’t going to vote for him anyway, Elon Musk will develop a car whose engine runs on the energy generated by burning books.
Since taxes will be eliminated anyway, the price of the tax on gas will be eliminated nationwide, lowering the price of gas. And since most oil is imported, it will have a Federal tariff imposed which citizens will pay, which will raise the price of gas.
If you want to know how this will lower the price of gas, all will be revealed once Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick begins his War on Observable Logic.
Home Finances
Mortgage costs down by $5000 annually.* For many families, mortgage payments will even go down 100% as inflation on the cost of living will make owning a home impossible.
No tax on Social Security.* In addition, voting records for the elderly will be sealed from their judgmental children and grandchildren.
Health Care
Under Trump’s overhaul of the ACA, the government will stop payments to big insurance companies and will instead give the money directly to people,* under the new If You Can’t Trust Big Insurance Companies to Price Everything Fairly, Who Can You Trust? Act.
In blue states, Robitussin will be the only drug covered under Federally-subsidized insurance plans.
In red states, meth dealer biker gangs will be legally reclassified as HMOs.
The End of War in Our Time
We will all agree that Donald Trump negotiated an end to the wars between Congo and Rwanda, Kosovo and Serbia, Egypt and Ethiopia, Cambodia and Thailand, and Israel and Iran, despite those countries never actually being at war with each other.* From now on, if two countries seem like they might one day go to war but don’t, that will count as a Trump Peace Settlement
Despite all evidence to the contrary, we as a nation will agree that Trump is close to negotiating peace between Russia and Ukraine and Israel and Palestine.* Keeping in mind that when one country bombs another until everyone is dead, that is technically a working definition of peace.
Other peace treaties that we will all agree Trump negotiated include: the ongoing War between the Truth and the Truth As It Should Be, the Eternal Battle Between Rosie O’Donnell and Chocolate Cake, and the War Between Free Peoples of Middle-Earth and the Armies of Sauron and his Forces.
If someone believes they should have won the Nobel Peace Prize, then they have won it. A legitimate way of collecting an incorrectly-awarded prize is to bomb a foreign country until the wrongly-named winner surrenders it.
Same goes with other awards including the MacArthur Genius Grant, the Pulitzers, Academy Awards, Newberry Medals, the John von Neumann Lecture Prize, the World’s Best Grandpa Mug, and the Source Awards.