Twelve Tinder Bios That I Let My Ex Write, Which Was in Hindsight a Terrible Idea (Annotated)
Post-It Notes from the Edge
I used to have a little voice in my head telling me no one liked me. But now I pay $10 a month for Tinder Premium and every time I open the app my phone does it for me.
NOTE: I told her I wanted a bio that meets people where they are. She said I am — they’re also alone and on their phones.
I love gambling. That’s why I eat at Chinese buffets ten minutes before closing.
NOTE: This is about how I allegedly “ruined” our trip to Vegas. I got food poisoning and blamed the shrimp. She blamed me.
I’m an author. I wrote The Secret to Getting Rich by Convincing Idiots to Buy My Crappy Self-Help Book for $24.95. Which I then bought by accident with my last $25.
NOTE: She was lending me money for rent when she came up with this. I literally couldn’t afford to say no.
I might have lost the battle, but I won the war. The battle was against eating a pint of ice cream at 2am. The war was on obesity. So… turns out I lost that one, too.
NOTE: She said it showed vulnerability. I said it showed she knows my vulnerabilities. Her new boyfriend liked it, but is it funny if I’m crying alone in a grocery store parking lot?
I have a four-digit IQ—if you put two decimal points in there.
NOTE: She said, “women love honesty.” And to be fair, it took me almost a week to realize I'd been insulted.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider in high school, which gave me the powers and abilities of a man who'd been poisoned and developed cancer.
NOTE: I didn’t get this one, but she insisted it made me seem cool because “nerds are in.”
I’ve never been tried at The Hague, but I did have to appear before the International House of Pancakes for crimes against breakfast.
NOTE: This is an in-joke about how she wouldn’t let me near the stove for our entire relationship—after I managed to set her stove on fire making hard-boiled eggs.
I wouldn’t say I love coffee, but I have hooked up with it.
NOTE: I made the mistake of telling her about the one time I had that Friends With Benefits situation. It was years before we dated! One time!
I taught Elon Musk everything he knows. Unfortunately, it was about dating actresses and ruining websites.
NOTE: She hates that I own a Tesla. She did not care for the woman I dated after her, but it’s mostly the Tesla.
The Artist’s Way said to take myself on a date, so I figured, why not? It was a bad time; the conversation was horrible and I stuck myself with the check. In hindsight, all of my exes might have had a point.
NOTE: In hindsight, she seems to have retained some hostility after our breakup.
When I was a kid, I was taught “Hugs Not Drugs.” Turns out, that’s not a treatment for the clap. I still owe my ex-girlfriend an apology.
NOTE: I tried to veto this one. She wouldn’t let me have my phone back until I said it was okay, so here we are.
Have I mentioned I went to film school? Don’t worry, I will. A lot. Anyway, I’m a huge fan of Citizen Kane. I can’t believe Pornhub doesn’t carry it.
NOTE: My ex and I no longer speak.