Twelve Tinder Bios That I Let My Ex Write, Which Was in Hindsight a Terrible Idea (Annotated)

Post-It Notes from the Edge

by Ink Floyd

I used to have a little voice in my head telling me no one liked me. But now I pay $10 a month for Tinder Premium and every time I open the app my phone does it for me.
NOTE: I told her I wanted a bio that meets people where they are. She said I am — they’re also alone and on their phones.

I love gambling. That’s why I eat at Chinese buffets ten minutes before closing.
NOTE: This is about how I allegedly “ruined” our trip to Vegas. I got food poisoning and blamed the shrimp. She blamed me.

I’m an author. I wrote The Secret to Getting Rich by Convincing Idiots to Buy My Crappy Self-Help Book for $24.95. Which I then bought by accident with my last $25.
NOTE: She was lending me money for rent when she came up with this. I literally couldn’t afford to say no.

I might have lost the battle, but I won the war. The battle was against eating a pint of ice cream at 2am. The war was on obesity. So… turns out I lost that one, too.
NOTE: She said it showed vulnerability. I said it showed s…