25. I had an ancestor who fought in the Revolutionary War. Joe McDonnell McEneaney. He led a valiant attack on Passaic, NJ, and lost 350 men before taking the town. It was an achievement marred only by the fact that the British Army was nowhere near Passaic, and in fact, my uncle was a janitor who liked to get drunk and steal officers’ clothes.

24. I have an IQ of 210. Now, the so-called “experts” want to tell me there’s a decimal in there BUT I AIN’T HAVIN NONE OF DAT

23. I was a professional stuntman for three years. My stage name was “Lawful Good Knievel.”

22. I once had to seek asylum in an International House of Pancakes, living there for three years after being accused of crimes against humanity in a Denny’s (I forced three people to eat there).

21. In high school, I was bitten by a radioactive spider, and it gave me the powers and abilities of a guy who has been both poisoned and given cancer.

20. If you tell women you’re a doctor, they will take their shirt off and then get an insurance company to pay you. If you then say, “Actually, I’m a doctor of Philosophy, and I’m in this examination room also waiting to get seen” they will start yelling and punching you.

19. My work in the field of mathematics involved splitting the check at restaurants until I not only didn’t put in money but always managed to get five dollars back. This earned me a Nobel Prize in the field of Creative and Possibly Illegal Sciences.

18. My eyes are so open and innocent with wonder, I try to have a stranger teach me one new thing every day. For instance, yesterday a doctor taught me that “Hugs Not Drugs” is not a legit way to treat a herpes outbreak (I don’t have herpes)(seriously).

17. I’m a much better fighter than most people think. The last time I got into a fight, it resulted in a black eye, a bloody nose, and a broken arm. Sure I got hurt badly, but most people thought I was going to get murdered.

16. I have the ability to talk to animals. However, I do not have the ability to have them understand what I say or understand what they are talking about.

15. I love gambling. Which is why I eat from Chinese restaurant buffets ten minutes before closing time.

14. I paid for Tinder Premium, which means for only ten bucks a month I can go to my phone any time to have an app tell me nobody likes me. I used to have to rely on that voice in my head for that.

13. I wouldn’t say I love coffee, but I have had sex with it.

12. I wish I had time to watch more truly great movies, but for some reason pornhub.com doesn’t have “Citizen Kane.”

11. I taught 50 Cent everything he knows. Unfortunately, I taught him everything he knows about speaking Mandarin.

10. I’ve always found the best part of hanging out with a really tight-knit group of close friends, is when one of them doesn’t show up and then you all have someone to make fun of.

09. I’m writing a self-help book called “The Secret to Getting Rich by Getting Idiots to pay $24.95 For My Crappy Self-Help Book.”

08. I was sick the day we learned counting in school, and have trouble with numbers.

06. The following is a joke I tried doing onstage many many many times when I was young. It earned me a Standing Ovation followed quickly by an “Everybody Leaving the Room in Disgust Ovation.”

Sure, when you’re young it’s always hilarious when someone says, “What has two thumbs and loves blow jobs” and then point their thumbs at themselves and says, “This guy.” Or they say “Have you ever seen an elephant?” and then unzips their pants and pulls their pants pockets out. Then it’s all fun and games.

But then some people get older become parents, and then it’s all like, “Liam, we hired you to be a clown at our three year-olds’ party” and there’s nothing but screaming and crying as you realize that they’re not going to pay you. 

05. I coined a phrase: “Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and the world laughs at you.” It’s a bad phrase.

04. When I was a kid I owned a hamster named Roscoe. I loved taking him to the zoo and holding him up at the reptile exhibit and watch the snakes and lizards slam their heads against the glass over and over.

03. I absolutely cannot even stand horseradish sauce. But I’ll have sex with it anyway because we’re consenting adults!.

02. I took myself out on a date last night, and it was so awkward at dinner, when the check came, and I sat there for twenty minutes before I realized I had no intention of paying.

01. I don’t have too many touring dates coming up as I’m back in school. But I’ll be doing a monthly show at the Hollywood Improv in their Lab space the last Wednesday of almost every month, starting February 22nd. More info soon.