Wedding Vows for the 21st Century
From the Apocalypse Vow Department
There is no aspect of the wedding that is creakier or more old-fashioned than the exchange of the vows. For centuries, couples have been promising to love, honor, and obey each other in a blatant series of lies before their friends, family, and God.
Make no mistake. There’s no more beautiful tradition than dressing up in an expensive and uncomfortable outfit that you will wear maybe five times in your life, sitting in a church with no air conditioning, and watching two young people make the biggest mistake of their lives.
But the time has come to update wedding vows to reflect modern relationships in the year 2026. Happily, I have come up with a modest sample, which I share below.
I vow…
…if you arrange the dishes in the dishwasher incorrectly, I won’t start a fight or even comment on it. I’ll just wait until you walk out of the room, open the appliance mid-cycle, and arrange the dishes correctly for you to find when it’s time to put them away.
…not to like or comment on pictures of attractive young people on Instagram, at least not from an account you know about.
…if you look like you’re angry, and I ask if everything’s okay, and you say “I’m fine” in a tone of voice that makes it clear that I pissed you off, I won’t immediately say, “Okay good, as long as everything’s okay,” and then walk out of the room whistling a jaunty tune.
…not to shove my phone in your face and tell you to check out a “great” video and stare at you while you watch it and then get mad when you don’t laugh at the exact moment you were supposed to.
…not to methodically cut out any of your friends from your life, unless it’s one of the ones I especially hate.
…on my honor, on my parents’ souls, on the lives of our yet-to-be-born children, that if we’re watching a show together, I won’t watch ahead when you’re out of the house.
…furthermore that if I do, I won’t be mad if you commit a spouse murder straight out of a Lifetime movie.
…when I walk into a room and see you’re cleaning even though it’s my turn, I promise to try to sound really sincere in my offer to help.
…that I won’t install a phone tracker app on your phone without telling you.
…if I do install a phone tracker app on your phone without telling you, I won’t abuse it. I will only use it for emergencies, like if you don’t text back within thirty seconds, and are therefore probably cheating on me
…if I do install a phone tracker app on your phone without telling you, I will only lightly abuse it, like if I need to make sure you’re going to the right stores to buy me my Christmas presents.
…if I do install a phone tracker app on your phone without telling you, and I do abuse it, I will only show up where you are unannounced if it would make a funny TikTok.
…to hire a professional mediator to help us decide peacefully the exact temperature to keep the thermostat on.
…if we make a compromise on the thermostat, and you catch me changing it to my preferred temperature when you’re out of the room, I will try to look sorry.
…not to wait until you’re out of town and then drive your shitty cat who constantly bites me fifty miles away and drop it off in a park and then pretend it ran away and help you look for it when you get home. Especially not if it has a tracking chip.
For richer or for poorer, as long as you keep your credit score above 650.
In sickness or in health with the understanding that I’m not signing up to be a full-time nurse.
‘Til death, or ‘til this becomes boring, do we part.
Thank you for reading. You can support this Substack by subscribing below for free (unless you’re moved to pay for it, I won’t argue).
You can also share this post with your friends here: