The B-Side: Where Do We Invade Next?
Countries that just learned their interests were hostile to ours.
America has made the world safe from Venezuela’s narco-terrorist government. And the American people can breathe a sigh of relief knowing that all the barrels of oil they’ve been smuggling into the United States rest safely in the hands of our loyal patriotic oil companies.
Now that we’ve done the important work of freeing a nation from the horrors of caretaking its stockpile of assets, Trump this week floated a list of countries that may not have known that their interests were hostile to ours. This includes new enemies of the US, like Somalia, as well as our traditional enemies, such as Greenland.
The following is a list of additional asset-rich countries and related geographic areas whose assets will be seized:
COLOMBIA
The U.S. military has long known how to deal with the threat posed by Colombian cartels; by having the CIA fly planeloads of cocaine into Florida. However, our intelligence indicates that these foreign nationals, having been supplied with American money, weapons, and military training, now pose a liability to national security. To ensure our safety, the United States government will proceed with the liberation of Colombia’s government, along with its stockpiles of cocaine and coffee.
FRANCE
The French government has been our ally dating back to the Revolutionary War, which is why America has the clear advantage when launching an attack: the element of surprise. The French won’t know what hit them until we’ve liberated them of their most precious national resource; champagne that costs $5000/barrel, needed here in the US to shore up our essential New Year’s reserves. France’s national slogan is “Liberté, égalité, fraternité”, and so there can be no argument when they’re liberated with unquestionable legality by our government which is run like a fraternity.
DISNEYLAND
The Happiest Place on Earth is ironically situated within Southern California, where the residents get more neurotic and miserable the better their lives are. The harder they work to make their children happy, the harder those children work in therapy to find out why they’re unhappy. There can only be one explanation: Disneyland is hoarding a stockpile of the world’s strategic happiness supply. Once the Navy Seals decommission Mickey and send Goofy and Donald to an El Salvadorean prison, we can ensure the continued happiness and security of every child in the nation.
EPSTEIN’S ISLAND
Once a paragon of hospitality, this island paradise has of late posed a strategic threat to the interests of the United States with its stockpiles of information-rich materials. So renowned is the island’s tradition of accommodation that, once provided with reciprocal American hospitality, its leadership removed itself as a source of concern for national security. However, there remains a belief among high-level officials that additional measures may be necessary to ensure the island does not reemerge as a source of risk. Our goal will be to open every vault, locked room, and secret basement, to extract any security camera systems, backup data storage, papers, photographs, and film negatives. Information is freedom, and we intend to free every last remaining piece of information on the island.
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